Her son was conceived with IVF

I have been so insanely busy. It is great to have the energy again to keep up with the life that I want and enjoy living. But I miss having time to write here, and to keep up with my reading.

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For the record, I have to say that I absolutely love the klono.pin that my dr. prescribed me a few weeks ago. It magically calms the crazy swirling thoughts that apparently were sucking so much of my energy up. and also, at night, I actually fall asleep instead of laying awake for hours, and I sleep so well and wake up feeling rested. I seriously love this stuff. My dr told me I could take two pills every day (morning and night), but I only take half every other day because I am afraid that I'll get addicted or something. I read some scary stuff on the internet about this medication, but feel like it has given me my life back.

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There is a lady who I know. I met her some time ago when we were volunteers on a local school district committee. We were like-minded in our approach to solving the problems facing our committee, and spent many evenings in the parking lot talking after the meetings. She was older than me, and had a child in the schools. We were in very different places in our lives, but there was always a connection. The committee ended and we went out separate ways, crossing paths every so often. She eventually ran for the school Board, while I ended up serving on another district committee that advises the Board.

The District has been in desperate need of funding and finally put up a school bond measure for the November election. I was asked to be a signatory on the ballot statement in support of the bond, along with a few other very prominent community members. I am not sure what makes me qualified to be at the same status of these other folks - former mayors and local philanthropists - true community leaders. But they asked me, and I said I'd be honored.

In the last week, I've ended up working incredibly closely with this Board member, nearly every minute that I am not at work, to campaign for the passage of this school bond. She really is awesome. And then, on Thursday, as we walked to our cars after a late meeting, I shared that it had been a really difficult year for ML and I.

I broke the silence and said "we found out last summer that we can't have kids."
and she said her son was conceived with ivf.
she understood. she really understood.
and I realized that she also lived with the silence.

I can't stop thinking about how glad I am that I said something to her. Why would she have ever brought infertility up to me?

I want to hug her and tell her that our exchange means the world to me. Instead I wrote her a card today - it just said that I think she is awesome and am so grateful that we are friends.

It seems that I am going to be sucked into this campaign. I keep telling people this bond will benefit my someday kids. The more I refer to them, the more real they become, my Someday Kids, My Someday Twins. The need for this Bond is so great. And my need to be distracted is pretty big right now too. ML has his FNA Biopsy next Wednesday. We'll get results back by October 15th. That will be a tough two week wait for me, and I have every expectation that I'll fall apart when we get the results. So having something else, something bigger than me, to focus on might be a really great plan.

My Puppies. 

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Much love to everyone visiting from ICLW. I promise to come visit your site in the next few weeks, and make up for all my missing comments during ICLW. Your comments pop up on my phone throughout the day and make me happier than any words can express. One more picture of my puppy's for your viewing pleasure.  Love to all!

Shout Out to a New Friend

I just wanted to quickly welcome StarFishKittyDreams to this wonderful blogging community! She just stared her own blog Waiting for Baby and is stuck that difficult waiting place. Her journey started with a positive pregnancy test in early 2008 that ended in a miscarriage, another positive pregnancy test in 2009 that ended in a miscarriage, and now a positive pregnancy test but an ultrasound that is showing growing yet empty gestational sac.

From the moment I first met StarFishKittyDreams I appreciated her welcoming spirit and her positive outlook on the future. She is a beautiful soul and I am so happy to introduce her to my other blogging friends. Please drop by her little corner of this interweb and let her know that she is not alone on this journey.

RESOLVE meeting in my future

Its all set. This sunday. After visiting my grandpa, my mom and I are going to my first RESOLVE meeting. The nearest group is a 2 hour drive from my home, and they meet at 7pm on Sunday nights, making it a logistical challenge to attend. Besides, I didn't want to go by myself, but didn't really have anyone to go with. I wrote to the Resolve lady at the start of the year, and have been getting the meeting reminder emails ever since. And Finally, I am going to go. 


I have to thank Alison, The Privileged Infertile, for helping me realize how much I crave a personal connection. She is working on a personalized blog design for me (I am so excited!) and called me to talk about what I want. It was so great to talk to someone else who is going through this. SO great! So great, in fact, I am going to finally attend a Resolve meeting. Thank you Alison!


Hopefully my meeting won't be like Laura's at Bumpy Journey, attended only by a lady gnome.  I still think that Laura is a HERO for attempting to lead a group. Someday I hope I'll be as awesome and strong as she is right now. 


On another topic, I am really loving all of the posts about Fathers Day. I had no idea that this would be such a hard day for me. The cards at target caught me so off guard, but I am feeling now like I am in very good company. These posts are so validating and make me feel like I am not alone.  

Costs - in Summary

One of the first things I worried about, when I starting worrying that something wasn't working, was the financial cost of infertility. I just knew that it was going to get expensive, very expensive. 


Keeping track of the bills has become a chore. I have one binder with our medical records, and another to keep track of the finances.  Our insurance specifically excludes coverage for anything related to the diagnosis or treatment of infertility, including complications from any such procedures. Almost everything has been out of pocket expense, but I am still submitting it all to the insurance on the off chance that we might get a reimbursement. In order to submit a claim to insurance I have to get an itemized billing statement, which most often requires a written request. It ends up being a 4-5 step process to get a response from the insurance. It has paid off too - they did end up covering a few thousand dollars worth of bloodwork, and part of the cost of My Lover's first biopsy. 


I've been keeping track of all of this in spreadsheet, but was afraid to sum the total of our out of pocket expense. The Cade Foundation grant application asked for the total that we've spent, so the time came to add it all up. Keep in mind that we have not yet had an actual opportunity to get pregnant.


$14,399.66


Getting price quotes in advance of treatment decisions has been one frustration after another. I haven't found anywhere online that lists out the standard costs for infertility treatments and it seems like the costs can vary pretty significantly. Since I've got it all organized, I am going to post our costs here on my blog - on a page called "costs", so that anyone can see what this all costs. I have all the CPT codes too - and would be happy to share those as well with anyone who wants the details. 


Jeff at Don't Try This at Home is also posting their costs - check out his list too.
Please let me know if there are other infertility cost summaries out there, and I'll add a link. 

the celebration society

One of the most wonderful things about being a part of this blog community is being able to read what others have written. I've discovered some of the most incredible amazing posts by the most talented writers. Your stories are so often my story, and your fears are my fears. Seeing the words already written down, articulated so beautifully is the most comforting reassuring experience. For the first time I don't feel quite so alone. I feel validated. I feel like I've found a safe place to explore my thoughts and emotions and fears and hopes. I feel understood in the most wonderful way, by you and by myself. 


I love leaving comments. I love leaving comments, even more than I love receiving comments. I love being able to say how a post makes me think and feel. I appreciate being able to express my appreciation to the author, to let them know that their post, their writing, their story has touched me in a meaningful way. 


Apparently I am not alone in this desire to appreciate my fellow bloggers! One of Mel's special projects right now is the Celebration Society.  Mel describes it as one of the most interesting delurking projects you'll ever participate in.  You can read the whole background story at Mel's celebration society post. Basically, the celebration society is a way for you to tell me what my blog or comments mean to you.  Really what I am hoping is that you will do the same on your blog - join the celebration society and create a place on your blog where I can tell you how much I appreciate YOU.


Ohhh - BTW - I just discovered that there are a few follow-up comments waiting for me at posts I have visited recently. I stumbled on a few of them, and can only assume that there are others that I might have missed.  As I said before, I love leaving comments, and would love to read your follow-up post, however I don't know that you replied to me unless you let me know. There must be a better way to keep track of comments, like a gadget or something that keeps track of the posts I comment on - if you know about something please let me know!

Foxy's Favorite Posts Shout-Out #1

In the spirit of Stir-up Queen Mel's Weekly Blog Round-up, I'd like to give a shout out to some of the awesome posts that I stumble across. So many of these posts say the things I am thinking with such beautiful and elegant prose. They are posts that I want to bookmark and visit again.  I am going to call it
Foxy's Favorite Posts Shout-Out.


Without further ado...


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I discovered a new blogger this morning - Jackie from Beyond the Brick Wall. She has a great post about a late night Facebook conversation with an old friend. It is a great commentary on the extremely limited background knowledge that our fertile friends have about infertility. It is a great reminder that people are not intentionally cruel when they ask us questions like "when are you going to have kids?" or "why don't you just adopt".  Check it out, and let Jackie know you stopped by.


Megan at Bottoms on and Off the Table has the most incredible Infertility Art Journal. Really. Incredible. I have to keep going back to look at it, because I can really only take in one piece of work at a time.  It has been awesome to be able to read so many stories, but there is something so powerful about seeing those stories expressed visually.


Katie at her blog From IF to When wrote a great post about 'the waiting place'. Remember the Dr. Seuss book that everyone got as a graduation present, Oh! The Places You'll Go? Katie reads to us an excerpt about The Waiting Place and remind us that we need to watch out so as not to get stuck.  


"You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting."



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I am so grateful to this amazing online community. Thank you all for being so awesome, in spite of the challenges. With love and appreciation, Foxy.

Vees Imagination

http://veesimagination.blogspot.com/

Oh my goodness, these images took my breath away.  These images communicate a raw emotion that only a picture can convey.

BABY for IF
 and
LITTLE THINGS for IF

These images spoke to me in a way that I felt heard.