I felt it!

I felt it! 
That most wonderful feeling. 
I felt it.
and it nearly broke my heart.

At a meeting, last week. My mom was with me to watch BC. It was one of her 'Thursdays with BC". Her car was in the shop so we all drove to my meeting together. Someone called it 'edge care' when a childcare provider looks after children on a work site allowing the children to have access to their parent while allowing the parent to participate in their work. 

We started the meeting together, while my boss held BC in her lap and I introduced him. Soon thereafter he reached for me and I nursed him. He quickly bored of the powerpoint and my mom followed him to the door as he began his exploration of the building. They disappeared for a while and I continued with my work, a meeting about the concept of caring economies described in the book 'The Real Wealth of Nations'. 

As the discussion about policies necessary support an equitable, sustainable, and successful economic system – a system that acknowledges that the work of caring for people and the planet is the essential foundation of economic success continued my mind wandered. I thought about my mom and my baby. I wondered what they were doing, what they were looking at, what they were exploring. I pictured them wandering into the main conference room where a group of senior citizens were hosting a sock hop. I imagined BC watching the ladies dance with their poodle skirts. I pictured him toddling up to the front of the room where a live band was playing. 

He loves music. Our guitar is most definitely his favorite toy. He love watching daddy play it, and insits on playing it himself. Sometimes he will drag the thing into his bedroom - quite the feat! A real live band would be the coolest thing he could imagine!

My eye caught a glimpse of my mom thru the little window in the door and my mind snapped back to the meeting. As the door opened I jumped out of my seat, hopped to the front of the room and held my arms open as my sweet little man let out a small shriek and ran to me. The meeting continued and I sat on the floor nursing him while holding him tight in my arms. My mom stood by the door smiling, and the powerpoint shared slides about the economic benefits experienced by companies who offer paid maternity leave, flexible schedules, and on site childcare. 

And then it happened. 

the feeling that i have read so many of you describe. the feeling that I'd heard every mother ever talk about when they went back to work. the feeling that I thought I'd feel as soon as I held my sweet babe. 

He was done nursing. and totally unimpressed with the policy discussion that was unfolding. He saw my mom standing by the door and took off in her direction. He was ready to continue his explorations of the great big world. He looked back at me, to see if I was coming along, but decided that the open door was more enticing. He and my mom disappeared from sight. 

My heart exploded with a desire to follow him. 
and kiss him, and scoop him up.
To not let him out of my sight. 
To abandon my work and run to my son. 

Instead i stood up and found my seat. 

I watched though the window as my mom follow behind as my boy led her out the man entrance to the sidewalk and to the corner where they sat for a moment at the bus stop and then continued out of sight. 

Shortly thereafter she texted that they'd taken the car to head home. 

It was a fascinating discussion about Caring Economics. I participated, but my mind was elsewhere. As soon as the meeting was over I caught a ride to my mom house, instead of back to my office. I'd planned to work another 2 hours that day, but needed to be with my baby. 

I know that i am so lucky to have a job that I love and quality caregivers who adore my baby. I am lucky that I've been able to leave him without any drama - on his part or mine. 

But knowing that we are connected in such a way that my need to be with him, my need to prioritize him above all else is a feeling that lives in my heart and soul is real, is a feeling that I simply cannot describe. 

It is the feeling that i've been waiting for. 


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