back to work thoughts

I think we'll keep him.
Seriously though, these first few months have been hard.
This kid tested us and really made us rise to the challenge of being his parents.
I felt so disconnected from my son, but had faith that time would bring us closer. And it has.
It was all so different than I expected, and I thought that I was pretty well informed.

So, I joke and say, I think we'll keep him, but really, there were many times I wondered what we had done by bringing a baby into our home. Seeing so many other people talk about how great and wonderful and in love they were with their newborn just made me jealous and a little sad.

And now, just as we are finally getting to know one another, and just as I am figuring out how to read the subtle signs that tell me what my baby needs, I am headed back to work.  Its a bit of a bummer.

To make it all more confusing, I really miss my job. I miss my work. I miss the people. I miss the challenge and the strategy and the feeling of accomplishment. There are so many projects that were just left hanging when I left and I can't wait to pick them up and get them going again. I believe in the importance of my work and know that I can do what needs to be done.

I'd planned on starting back at 20 hours per week, for a transition period, and then building back up to my full 40 hours. Smart plan. But now I can't imagine working a 40 hour work week and being away from my little dude for so many hours.

One the other hand, I am SO beyond grateful to have a job waiting for me. I am SO beyond grateful to have health benefits for our family. I am SO beyond grateful that I've had the chance to spend these first three months at home. Going back to work - be it for 20 hours or 40 hours - really isn't something that I feel I should be complaining about AT ALL.

I am trying to stay calm and flexible about the return to work.
Accepting it for what it is.
Knowing that everything will work itself out for the best.



Oh my gosh he giggled at me.
on Sunday night.
It was SO sweet.

ML and I were sitting on the couch together and baby Q was laying in between us. We were kindof watching TV, kindof reading the internet, and kindof playing with the baby. Q started making little gurgle bubble noises so I imitated him by sticking my tongue out and making a kindof farting noise. He immediately busted out a big smile, then he giggled at me. It was so cool.

Other super cool things that have happened this week include:
- Q grabbed a fistful of my hair. Yes, i was super impressed and thought it was super cool!
- Q played by himself batting at toys on his activity mat for like 10 whole minutes! Long enough for me to go to the bathroom - by myself! and get a glass of water.
- We finally set up his nursery. ML assembled the crib, and we moved the swing in. I have a pinterest board full of additional ideas to make the space perfect for our little dude. (btw, i am totally loving pinterest! what fun!)
- We cleaned out Q's dresser of all 0-3 month and most 3-6 month clothing because it just doesn't fit anymore. At 2.5 months he is 15 lbs and wearing almost all 6 month stuff.
- Mommy and Daddy got b.u.s.y. finally after many many attempts that were interrupted. And I lamented that it feels like i have  whole different body and need to figure out how it works. Daddy lamented that we should have named baby Q Cockblock.

Baby Q with "Little One" at lunch today.
much love to all.

Discharge AMA?

I have a question ... I haven't yet written up our birth story. All things considered it was perfect and beautiful, but there is one issue that I can't seem to reconcile. I am hoping that this community might be able to help me find some answers.

What are a patients rights around discharging against medical advice (AMA) following a hospital birth?

My home birth plan turned into a hospital induction and delivery at a facility that has a 24 hour discharge policy. I wanted to go home after the birth, but they weren't willing to budge and told us that our insurance might not pay if we signed out AMA. We called our insurance and were told they would probably pay, but that we would have to submit the claim in order to find out. We ended up staying the full 24 hours, but it has left me feeling slightly bullied and ignorant about my rights.

I am just wondering what the facts are about the implications of discharging AMA.
Or if others have experienced anything similar.


I contacted the California Department of Insurance with my question, mostly because I want to know my rights in case I ever end up in a different situation and want to leave AMA. Their response is pasted below:

Thank you for your inquiry to the California Department of Insurance (CDI) regarding the referenced subject matter.
The insurance company would have to cover the birth of the child as long as it is a covered benefit. If they refuse to cover the benefit you would file a complaint with the Department of Insurance called an Independent Medical Review.  Your treatment would be considered medically necessary.  The main problem you may have is if you discharge yourself against medical advice any complications that arise as a result of this may not be covered or covered at a lesser benefit level. Some policies may have riders that contain language stating that if you discharge yourself and do not comply with the recommendations from your physician your policy may limit future benefits that pertain to any complications relating to early discharge. Insurance companies have to comply with Federal law and allow women to stay 48 hours after a normal childbirth or 96 hours after a cesarean has been performed. Most complications to the mother and child occur within the the initial two days after delivery and the goal is not to force women to be pushed out of the hospital too soon. I'm sure you are aware of this, but ultimately nothing can prevent you from rejecting medical care or leaving the hospital.
We hope this information has been of help.  If we can assist you in the future with an insurance problem, looking for insurance or provide information you may contact us through the e-mail system or you may reach our Consumer Communications Bureau at 1-800-927-HELP.


Two Months Old

Wrapped up warm in grandmas special quilt

I call you "baby cakes" all the time. Little One came over last week and asked if she could call you 'baby cakes' too. It was beyond sweet.

Your eyes are starting to look green to me. Most days they are greyish blue, but somedays they have glimmers of green.

When you smile, I feel like you DO like me after all.

I love to kiss your little face, on each side of your mouth and the ridge of your little nose. You love my kisses and I love feeling your soft skin on mine.

You have a special scent. I catch myself smelling your head throughout the day.

Your daddy and I are so grateful that you are such a good nurser and grower. You weighed nearly 15 lbs at your 2 month Dr appointment. Its no wonder that my back hurts from carrying you around all day.

Last night, when you were refusing to go to sleep, daddy took you to get a new diaper and never returned. I found you guys at the changing table having an "adult conversation" as daddy described it, about life and diapers and swaddling and sleep.

You don't poop as often as we'd like, and when you do it usually explodes out of your diaper all over your clothes and onto the blanket that you are wrapped in. Your most favorite blanket for blow-outs is the special quilt that grandma made for you. Its been through the wash so many times already that grandma is worried it is going to fall apart. We think you are holding it until we wrap you in grandmas blanket.


I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about the donor more than I'd like. I guess there is a grief about the loss of ML's genetics that just persists. It just does.

I felt bad acknowledging it until now, but I've felt so detached. I was afraid to love you while you grew in my stomach, and thought that I'd be overcome with love when I finally held you, but it hasn't been like that. I am still waiting for those feelings of 'my heart being on the outside' that everyone else talks about.

I want to start taking to you about your story, but I don't know where to begin. I try to bring it up, but just don't know what to say or how to say it.

I haven't cried since you've been born, and, well, that just seems weird to me.


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