BFN, Now What?

My beautiful little fox turned 3 years old in December and we decided it was time to start planning our FET cycles to use our two remaining frozen embryos. I started medications in December for a January transfer that was canceled at the last minute because my lining was not ready. So we signed up for the March transfer cycle. We doubled my meds, and everything was looking good. One of the blastocysts did not survive the thaw and we transferred the other one on March 20. I did a great job of being hopeful, but we got the call today that it is a negative result. 

I am disappointed, for sure. But its hitting me slowly, and the grief of it all is growing.

So now what? grieve, and spoil my son. and then we will have to make a decision about what to do next. 

To be honest, I had a hard time really getting exciting about it all in the first place, but I'm sure that a big part of that was the need to protect my heart from the total devastation that I felt with every BFN when we were trying to get pregnant originally. I keep rationalizing that our family is complete as it is, that we've already beat the odds and don't deserve to try again, that an only child will be fine because we have very close family friends he will grow up with, that the first year of having a baby was so hard and I'm not sure I could do it again (without ending up institutionalized). But then I know that I always wanted a big family, I can't imagine my life without my sisters. I want my son to have siblings to experience life with, I know how much my husband wants a second child, we are the only ones in our social circle who would have a single child, etc....

The thought of a full IVF cycle again is overwhelming, and the cost is not something that would be easy to swing. If we knew if was a sure thing I have no doubt we'd sign up tomorrow, but it is so hard to continue down a path where the odds are against you. 

Did we give it our best shot by using the two embryos? Can i live with that and feel like this is how our family is meant to be? Or is this a rollercoaster that we are not yet ready to get off of just yet? 

Thoughts and advice would be so appreciated. xoxo


a day for our family

Putting a call out for super sticky baby vibes! We have our Frozen Embryo Transfer tomorrow morning, and as much as I know the odds are against us, I can feel the hope creeping in deeper and deeper. 

Four years ago tomorrow was our embryo transfer that made me a mom, and eleven years ago tomorrow I married the love of my life. 

The day bodes well, but omg I am nervous.


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