What do I really think...

So many thoughts fly through my head.
I try to catch them, but they are sneaky and slippery.

Last night, I looked at airbnb for monthly rentals.
Maybe I still need more space when he comes home.

He asked me to tell him my thoughts, to be honest even if it's hard for him to hear.
But I don't want to hurt him.
And I'm still not sure if it is safe to be vulnerable when I've been burned too many times.

I am complicit, as well.
All of the strategies I've developed to manage this chaos are going to have to change.
But it really isn't fair to ask me to let go of the strategies that have kept me safe for so long.

I'm kind of pissed, to be honest.
I fought so fing hard for so fing long. I fought for us.
I stayed present in our relationship. I kept giving him another chance to hear me.

And finally when i give up, when I checked out, when I move on...
When I'm done letting him crush my heart and leave me feeling hopeless, I give up hope.
Then, he shows up.

And suddenly I am supposed to be here, to be here and to be available for him.
To be willing to try again.

and I do want what is best for him. Really, I do. So much.
But... what the fuck?
I've wasted so much of my heart and my time and my soul on him.
and I just don't know.

So, How does the next step work?


A new start

Not sure where it goes from here, but it's a new start in any case.

I really do want to believe that the past can be repaired and healed, but I'm not sure.
And as much as my resolve deepens that the past will never be my future, I'm not sure.

The parts of me that were wired to be hyper-vigilant, to keep me safe, to keep my baby safe, are still on alert. How long does it take to learn that it's okay now? To learn what it feels like to relax?

I wake up every morning when I hear my little fox, and the anxiety spikes, and I can't fall back asleep. Even though he is safe and capable of being up on his own, I am on alert. It's been this way for 8 years. Its my job. To keep him safe.

To keep him safe from a drunk husband who passed out holding him. To keep him safe from a bad dream that woke him up crying but I'm the only one who is sober enough to hear. To keep him safe from an argument of mis-matched expectations and wills that teach him it's not okay to feel. I have always been his safe place.

30 days of peace, to regroup and gain perspective for me. I never could have imagined that I'd be so ready. To slam closed those doors and slowly consider the new doors ahead. It's going to be okay.



Reflecting on the loss of a deeply wanted pregnancy a year ago today. Lots of big complicated feelings to unravel. Picking up the pieces of shattered dreams is never easy and it's taken a serious toll on me and my family. 

I am grateful to know that I am stronger and more resilient than I ever wanted to be. 

And grateful to everyone who has stood by my side this past year to hold me up when I wasn't strong enough to stand alone. Life is nothing if not messy and complicated with beautiful moments scattered throughout. 

I survived this past year and will focus my next on gratitude for the beautiful things that are all around me.


For Me.

Microblog Mondays
I did a few things just for me this week.

On Thursday I let my sister talk me into going on a cruise, my her and my mom. I desperately needed something to look forward to.

On Saturday I sat in the sunshine. It was glorious.

Today I went for a walk when I got home from work. a quick walk around the block, and it felt so good.

On Wednesday I am taking the day off work to go to Science Camp. I'll visit with our local fifth graders and their teachers who are there all week and maybe get to play some games too.

A few things, just for me.


How Are You?

I found the Momastary blog after reading 'Love Warrior'. I loved Glennon's book and was desperate to consume more of her wisdom and beauty.

One of her posts from way back in 2014 includes a list of questions that you can ask a spouse instead of "How was Your Day?" I loved her contradictory complicated stream of consciousness response that remained unspoken when she was asked that question by her husband. It was so real.

I hate being asked "how are you?". It's such a fake loaded question.  No one who asks that question really wants to hear the real answer, especially if it is a complicated sad unfixable kind of answer. I have many of the same feelings about the 'When are you going to get pregnant?' question, and the 'you only have one?' question, but I hate lying so over the years I've had a whole set of different answers that I use to respond but deflect the question. Right now it is "I'm trying hard to focus on the things I am grateful for." It's not a lie, but it sure leaves the truth hidden safely away.

What I just realized reading Glennon's post is that I still ask people that same question - the question that I hate - "How Are You?" There are so many other questions that I could ask. I never thought about the fact that I am asking others to put on their mask and respond to me with some half-truth because we have all been taught how to answer that question in a way that makes the person asking feel good, regardless of the reality that you are experiencing. This week I am going to practice asking other questions and really being present to listen to the answers, starting at home.

For Work:
What are you working on?
Have you had any victories lately?
Do you have any exciting trips planned?

For Home:
What made you feel happy today?
Can I give you a hug?
What are you looking forward to today/tomorrow/ this week?

Language is indeed a gift.


Open Wounds

Love Warrior Glennon Doyle Melton wrote: "Make sure you're sharing from your scars, not your open wounds" and I agree, but how do you get the support and encouragement you need to heal when you are hiding your open wounds?

time for a blog remodel

I read a book this weekend. I rarely ever read anymore, and rarely ever finish a book when I start one. This one was like reading candy, it was really easy, and make me feel like I am not alone. Life is messy and complicated and hard and beautiful and there are no right or wrong answers. We are all just stumbling our way through it, doing the best we can.

If you can spare time for a good read I recommend Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. If you do read it, will you let me know so we can talk about it?  I feel like I need to talk about it.

Reading it made me remember how wonderful my blog was when was really difficult before.  I quit writing because I felt like it wasn't my story to tell anymore, but today I am taking back my words and owning my part of this messy complicated story. Circumstances are different this time, but I'm going to stick with this blog and find a new community of writers and hopefully reconnect with my old friends here.

I am trying really hard to focus on the things that I am grateful for, even when it feels like so much else is falling apart and out of control. I am grateful for this space and today I reclaim it as my own.

Anyone doing blog design work and want to help me with a little 'remodel'? Let me know.



When do things cross the point of no return?

When do you reach the point at which a decision has been made, even if you haven't made a decision?

I'm struggling tonight. about our remaining embryo. about the my future in my career. about my marriage. The unknowns are feeling overwhelming and and I feel like I don't have control of any of it.

Last night Mr Fox started talking about adoption. So. Many. Emotions. flow straight into my throat and I don't know how to begin untangling them. and today all of those emotions sit like a rock in my stomach. As I went thru my day, it became clearer and clearer to me that the biggest issue that this conversation brings up for me is the health and strength of my marriage. Mr Fox continues to drink, to drink to excess, and to resist disclosing his drinking in an honest and respectful way.

I've been going to my alanon meetings and trying to let go of my focus on his issues, but the reality is that this issue is like a cancer growing in our home. It's not causing trauma in the moment, but is like termites slowly chewing away at our foundation. and at some point the foundation will rot away and it will be too late to stop the house from collapsing. At what point is it too late to tent the house, and instead call the contractor to re-build?

We have this great therapist, and make 'agreements' about our behavior in between sessions. I leave every session feeling hopeful about what I can expect from Mr Fox. and then little by little my hope erodes as the agreements fail to materialize. I vocalized this disappointment at our last session, hopeful yet again that by calling it out that it might change, but I should have known better.

And all the while Mr Fox thinks that things are better because I am not harping on it all in between our therapy sessions. He is sitting there talking about adoption, and all I can think is that he would have to stop drinking before I considered adding a child to our family.

Boom, there is a decision about our embryo. A decision that I didn't make, but was made somewhere along the way.

Boom, there is a decision about my career choices. A decision that I didn't make, but is made because of this motherfucking addiction.

and here I sit, waiting for the Boom, the decision that there is nothing left of this marriage to salvage.

The election hasn't helped with my ability to control catastrophic thinking.  I'm sick watching what is happening to my Country, and scared about the future that I am raising my son to live in.  As much as I try to maintain perspective on the political realities we are facing, and listen with an open heart to those who have different views than I do, the truth about what is to come is becoming clearer with every appointment (and tweet).

If I don't catch you before - I do wish you all a joyful holiday with you families. You are all in my thoughts often. xoxo


Winter Approaching

What a year it's been.  I'll be glad to bid farewell to 2016 in the same way I counted the days until the end of 2009. But I'm surviving.

My sister delivered her twins yesterday. They are simply perfect. We got to see them minutes after delivery thru the nursery window and my heart was so relieved to see them finally here and healthy.

I held my nieces and told them that we've been waiting for so long to meet them and already love them so very much.

Then I held my beautiful son as he held his infant cousin, cupped her tiny hand inside his and said that he loved her. Melt.My.Heart. It was one of those moments that was so insanely full of complicated emotions, Love, Grief, Joy, Sadness, Relief, Deep Sorrow, and so so so much love for my sister and her family. These babies could not have been more wanted.

It's Thanksgiving and I have much to be thankful for.  But I also get to reflect on surviving this most awful and challenging year. Since July when I posted last Mr Fox and I started seeing a new therapist. Intense conversations that inevitably leave me in tears after every meeting. What is clear is that our love is strong and deep and enduring. What is clear is that Mr Fox is wholly unwilling to admit to his drinking problems. And what is underneath all of this is years of infertility and infertility treatments followed by years of postpartum mood disorders that we are both still grieving and recovering from. And as of today, I know that we are both trying and I feel hope for our future as a family.


falling apart.

It's all falling apart. Tonight he told me that if I couldn't accept and love him, including his drinking, that I could move out. I told him that if he was serious about that then he should give our tenant notice tomorrow.

Shit shit shit, this is NOT how it is supposed to be. I am so scared and lonely.  I don't know what to think or what to do.

I am sick to my stomach thinking that this was our last holiday as a family.


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