Crazy Swirling Thoughts

I make these plans in my head.
I create timelines of what comes next.
I try to plan for all of the different contingencies.
The thoughts swirl round and round in my head.

If the FNA shows sperm, then we'll do IVF with mtese. How soon after the FNA can we schedule the mtese? How quickly could they get me ready for IVF ? Should I review the IVF calendar with the RE before the FNA? Which RE should we use - the big university RE where our first UR was or the private RE that is connected with our new UR? It's been a year since I had my bloodwork and ultrasound and hystrosonogram - will I need to get all of that done again?

If the FNA shows no sperm, then we'll do iui with ds. How quickly could we move forward with iui? Should we travel to the City for the university RE or the private RE? or should we interview the one local RE? Do we really want to do iui? - how many? - medicated? - before we switch to ivf with ds?

In either case we'll need donor sperm. If we wait until after the FNA will there be enough time to order ds so that it arrive in time for the ivf or iui? How long will it take us to choose? How will we choose? What if we can't choose? What if we can't choose, and ML decides that he wants a known donor and we have to wait another 6 months for quarantine?

The costs keep adding up.
The waiting keep adding up.
My tolerance for living like this is growing thin.
My happy pills don't feel like they are working.
I feel like giving up at the same time that I feel like desperately hanging on.

I watch each month pass me by. Before we know it my sister will be pregnant, my bestie will start round two. ML wants to take it one step at a time. Wait until we get the FNA before we consider the next step. He feels okay about losing a little time in between decisions. I feel like I've been waiting for so long, and lost so much time already that there isn't any time to lose.

Besides that, I need to end this journey as soon as possible. Time lost isn't really time lost, it is more time spent in this suffering. It's not neutral.

We are quickly approaching the end of the 6 months of FSH therapy. I wrote to the UR last night to schedule the final SA and FNA Map. We'll run out of the FSH on October 15th. At $1,700 per month, I'd rather not order a 7th box unless its necessary. The FNA results take about 2 weeks. So we want to schedule the FNA for the last week of September. I'd thought that we could maybe go right into the mtese/ivf with my October cycle (and be pregnant by my birthday in mid November), but in her reply email, she said that the Dr prefers to wait 3-6 months between an FNA and further surgery.

If the FNA shows sperm, I will cry with joy at the chance to spend another $4-8k on ongoing FSH, but it is an additional chuck of cash that I hadn't added up in my head yet. And that would put us into February as the earliest we could do IVF. and the waiting game continues.

I slipped it in, and I know it is yet another unrealistic idea, but I'm thinking about it. My birthday is in mid November, and if we did an October ivf/iui cycle I could potentially get my bfp as a birthday present. It is a crazy dangerous thing to think about, I know, but its what i think about.



Kakunaa said...

The thoughts, the what if's...they never stop, do they? Writing it down helps, but it tends to not actually make them go away. Have you talked to your doc about acute anxiety meds to supplement? Like ati.van? I had to have shut up my head some days. HUGS. Shit, I miss them now! Because I already worry about what happens after this...gotta love it.

Augusta said...

the swirls in your head sound a whole lot like the swirls in my head, with a slight variation in content, but not at all in process. I guess maybe that's why you and I were fast friends :-)

It sounds to me like there may be some more planning and discussing you and ml need to do. And then some discussions with the medical professionals. It sounds like it would help you feel more comfortable with the process right now and to better plan for what's next.

Sending you hugs, lovely Foxy.

AmandaM said...

You really hit the nail on the head about it not being time lost but time spent suffering. Time aching for what you want the most and can't seem to get. It's maddening, I feel your pain.

I hope it all works out wonderfully for you and ML and I hope you are able to cycle soon. ::hugs::

Jenni said...

I know how you feel about the crazy swirling thoughts and the endless scenarios and questions. I'm a planner, and I have to think out contingencies. Plus - the waiting is really getting to me as well. I'm feeling a bit like there's no end in sight, and we'll never get anywhere. I hope that you get good news at the SA, or that things work out for the best, whatever happens.

Jessica said...

It's so so hard living in the 'what-ifs'. If this, then that, if not, then this, etc. etc. etc. An endless cycle.

Do your best to slow down. Look at the here and now. Try not to get worked up about the future. Take some relaxation time for yourself. Sounds like you need it.

Hoping for some answers for you soon,


Kristin said...

Here from Mel's roundup...waiting sucks beyond belief. I hope the FNA brings you good results.

Kir said...

the waiting really really is, the hardest part. The worst part, the part that you can't get away from.

My hope that you get good news with the FNA and your thoughts can turn to a timeline that is full of happy "What ifs"

hugs my friend.


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