things to worry about

My Worry List...

Mr Fox is going to start drinking again. Sober for the moment, but it's like a thunderstorm waiting to flood our home. He declared that he is done with AA, and wants to try a 'drink yourself sober' program. I am trying so very hard to be open minded and rational, but hell, this is complicated. and definitely filling my worry cup so that there isn't much room left for the rest of it.

Zika Virus. I've only read headlines, and avoided clicking to read the stories, but I know enough to know that I am scared that Zika Mosquitoes will get me (and a baby that I am not even pregnant with).

Transitional Kindergarten. I just found out that Little Fox might be eligible to start real school in September. I thought we had another year. It would save us SO MUCH money to enroll him in school a year earlier, but I just can't picture him in a traditional classroom, and wish that there was a program for play-based learning that left all the academic stuff for later.

Stillbirth. A local mama, someone I know professionally enough to say hit to at the grocery store, but not much beyond that, delivered her baby still. I cried for her very real loss. I cried for my fears. I cried all week. I cried at the event that was held. I cried in front of Little Fox. I cried and cried.

Work. Depending on things I can't talk about I may or may not have my current job come January. There are options, lots of them, and I usually don't worry about finding work. BUT, the thought of finding/starting a new job while on maternity leave (for the baby that I am not even pregnant with yet) sounds really overwhelming. The thought of being a stay at home mom is even more overwhelming.

The Car. We made the final payment on our car and it promptly started making a weird noise. The mechanic fixed the weird noise (in exchange to many months worth of a car payment) and warned us that the transmission was on its way out. We have plans to buy a bigger car (for the baby that I am not even pregnant with yet), but didn't want to make that investment unless and until we knew that we would need a bigger car.

The things I can't talk about here that impact my job. I love my job and I love the people I work with. They are amazing, incredible, effective, and compassionate professionals. They are being attacked by gross people who lack integrity. I've always been good at not taking those attacks personally, but not so much these days. I am taking it all personally, and getting angry, and sad. and disillusioned with the reality of my current profession.

A F'U' account. Some girlfriends at lunch recently brought up a fu account. I don't have one. I always thought that for sure I would have my own money in an account that only I had access to. But I don't. because I got complacent and didn't think that I needed one. But maybe I do. But I won't do it in secret. and it would be seriously complicated to bring up the topic with Mr Fox because of the issues in bullet one.  Just something to worry about.

okay and of course there is the Frozen Embryo Transfer that we have planned for later this month. I am consumed with anxiety about this transfer. about whether to transfer one or both of our embryos. about it working. about it not working. about responding to the meds leading up to transfer. about leaving Little Fox for the week that we will travel to the clinic for the transfer.

well. that about sums it up. It actually doesn't look as daunting when it is all written down here. It feels so much bigger when it is all in my head in the dark.


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