What do I really think...

So many thoughts fly through my head.
I try to catch them, but they are sneaky and slippery.

Last night, I looked at airbnb for monthly rentals.
Maybe I still need more space when he comes home.

He asked me to tell him my thoughts, to be honest even if it's hard for him to hear.
But I don't want to hurt him.
And I'm still not sure if it is safe to be vulnerable when I've been burned too many times.

I am complicit, as well.
All of the strategies I've developed to manage this chaos are going to have to change.
But it really isn't fair to ask me to let go of the strategies that have kept me safe for so long.

I'm kind of pissed, to be honest.
I fought so fing hard for so fing long. I fought for us.
I stayed present in our relationship. I kept giving him another chance to hear me.

And finally when i give up, when I checked out, when I move on...
When I'm done letting him crush my heart and leave me feeling hopeless, I give up hope.
Then, he shows up.

And suddenly I am supposed to be here, to be here and to be available for him.
To be willing to try again.

and I do want what is best for him. Really, I do. So much.
But... what the fuck?
I've wasted so much of my heart and my time and my soul on him.
and I just don't know.

So, How does the next step work?


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