Two Months Old

Wrapped up warm in grandmas special quilt

I call you "baby cakes" all the time. Little One came over last week and asked if she could call you 'baby cakes' too. It was beyond sweet.

Your eyes are starting to look green to me. Most days they are greyish blue, but somedays they have glimmers of green.

When you smile, I feel like you DO like me after all.

I love to kiss your little face, on each side of your mouth and the ridge of your little nose. You love my kisses and I love feeling your soft skin on mine.

You have a special scent. I catch myself smelling your head throughout the day.

Your daddy and I are so grateful that you are such a good nurser and grower. You weighed nearly 15 lbs at your 2 month Dr appointment. Its no wonder that my back hurts from carrying you around all day.

Last night, when you were refusing to go to sleep, daddy took you to get a new diaper and never returned. I found you guys at the changing table having an "adult conversation" as daddy described it, about life and diapers and swaddling and sleep.

You don't poop as often as we'd like, and when you do it usually explodes out of your diaper all over your clothes and onto the blanket that you are wrapped in. Your most favorite blanket for blow-outs is the special quilt that grandma made for you. Its been through the wash so many times already that grandma is worried it is going to fall apart. We think you are holding it until we wrap you in grandmas blanket.


I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about the donor more than I'd like. I guess there is a grief about the loss of ML's genetics that just persists. It just does.

I felt bad acknowledging it until now, but I've felt so detached. I was afraid to love you while you grew in my stomach, and thought that I'd be overcome with love when I finally held you, but it hasn't been like that. I am still waiting for those feelings of 'my heart being on the outside' that everyone else talks about.

I want to start taking to you about your story, but I don't know where to begin. I try to bring it up, but just don't know what to say or how to say it.

I haven't cried since you've been born, and, well, that just seems weird to me.



Rach said...

When he gets a little bigger and starts giggling at you, jumps or wiggles his legs with excitement when he see's you, and lays his head on your chest because he wants to that's when the MAJOR love bug will hit!

Jenn and Casey said...

I love the honesty in this post. And I am sending so much love and hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

Just curious as to whether he's 2 months? Isn't that the same as 8 weeks? Anyway he'd beautiful. Relax about over empowering love- I wondered that about my girl. It hits when you least expect it.

Kanis said...

Oh my goodness! He's just so precious!

Emms said...

I understand what you are feeling and going thru. It's hard, but you will find that groove, you will find that love. And you know what? Taking time to do so is ok. You are obviously a great mama. Email me if you ever want to - after all my bug is a sperm donor baby too!

alloallo said...

hello! nice to meet you and thank you for finding my blog. I've just been working my way through your old posts, it's really nice to read about some of the stuff that might lie ahead for us. I think it's normal to think about the donor - I don't know if the whole experience ever really 'goes away' or even whether it should, really. But I really appreciate your honesty, sometimes people seem to want to sweep it under the carpet once the babies are born.


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