Baby Showers and Blog Posts


My best friend was twenty weeks pregnant when we got our azoos diagnosis. I had always pictured us being pregnant together.  I hosted her shower a few months after that. It was an intimate brunch with her closest friends and family. I sat at the table with tears running down my face. We went around the table to share words of wisdom as she became a mother and to share the meaning of our gifts to her. I had so much to say, but was unable to speak. It was all I could do not to burst out sobbing. The tears just rolled down my cheeks, my chin quivering on the verge. I love her so much and wanted so much to be a part of this special occasion, but the pain I felt was almost unbearable. Somehow I held myself together. I later apologized to her for not being able to say the things that I wanted to that day. She understood. She is a good friend.

I worried that seeing her baby would be hard for me. I wanted so much to love this little girl. We arrived at the hospital shortly after the birth, sweet baby was passed around to grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle, and then to me. The tears came, but they were not of my pain, they were of a happiness and love for this little girl who had been born to the most wonderful family, of which I was a part. It was easy to place the little bundle back into the arms of my friend, her mother, right were she belonged. It was totally different than the baby shower. While I long to experience motherhood, this perfect little baby is somehow separate from that longing. I don't long for that baby, I long for my baby.

Another childhood friend recently had a baby shower. It was a long awaited pregnancy, following years of infertility, and I really am so happy for her. But I had the hardest time getting out of bed the morning of her shower. Instead I curled up and watched the 16 and pregnant marathon, and cried. I finally got to the shower an hour late. I smiled and managed not to cry, but actively avoided any conversations. I stayed long enough to participate in a few of the activities and watch her open my present, a little baby blanket that I made for her sweet baby girl. Then I left.  She understood, I know she hurts for me still. 
My sister in law has two adorable little ones. I love visiting them and wish they lived closer to us. Being with my nephew and niece has been okay too. These sweet little kids are hers, and while I love to visit them, I don't have any desire for her kids. I long for my family, the family that my lover and I will raise and love and nurture.
So many of our friends are starting their families. One couple, who I suspect may have struggled with infertility themselves, are celebrating the first birthday of their adorable little son later this month. This circle of friends does not know about out struggle. The thought of going to the birthday, of the people we'd see, and the conversations that are bound to take place, its more than I am up for. I don’t think that it is the baby that I am avoiding, it is the grown-up, the wives. I sent this friend an email, thanking her for the invite and saying that we love them but won’t be able to come to the party. I hope that she understands, even though she doesn’t know what’s going on with us right now. I’d hate to have her think that we are avoiding them because they are in a different place in life now. Its not that. 
I left the longest comment yesterday. I didn't realize how long it was until I submitted it. That comment became the basis of this post. There are so many incredible posts that really get me thinking. This post is really in response to two recent posts:

Mrs. Wood at Our Adventure with Infertility wrote a post about not being able to attend a friends baby shower. It is a struggle that got me thinking about the showers I’ve been to this past year and the emotions that have emerged.

Katie at 'from IF to when' wrote a post about bellies vs babies. It is an insightful post and really shines a light on what it is that I am feeling. I want so much for the experience of being pregnant, of having my belly grow big and round, of having my lover feel my stomach and the life growing inside with love and tenderness. I want that so much. I think about that so much. 

11 comments :

Mrs.Wood2126 said...

I want to thank you so much, not only for the comment that you left me (it was not too long ;) But for posting your own entry, Its nice to hear your stories and ways of tackling the same struggles I have. I am going to take you up on the writing a note suggestion, I think its a great idea, thank you. I will include you in my fertility prayers!

Lori LeRoy said...

Foxy, thanks for the comment on my blog. I feel for you - and all of the babiness that seems to be surrounding you right now. It takes a very strong woman to go to showers, host them, etc. I have avoided the last few showers like the plague, giving lame excuses why I can't attend. The last one I went to sent me over the edge when I was asked my nearly every person there about my "child status". Given that I am 37 and have no kids, you'd think they'd figure it out.

Hang in there. I recommend a bubble bath, glass of wine and some chocolate.

Lori LeRoy said...

one more thing - nice choice in blog template! : )

Kir said...

here from ICLW..

I know exactly how you feel, or at least I used to.
I wanted to know that I could "CREATE LIFE" and showers, family parties, Christmas used to remind me that I couldn't and it was so hard to be Me, there.

I send you comfort...because it really is the hardest part of not being able to get PG, to see other people /woman do it.

as an aside, once I was pregnant, being an IF I was scared all the time and very sick (barfing) and never enjoyed it and then I went on bedrest and if I'm being honest I hated that know one saw me get big, saw me be pregnant, besides John and My mom...they saw me more often...I don't mean to make light of what you're feeling , because even after I was PG, I know how it feels to still not be able to share that with the world.

You have a great blog...and I am wishing you some comfort and the family you dream of.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

You're very brave for going to those baby showers. I'm glad that most of my friends are still childless (not trying, I assume), and that I live far away so even in case there was a shower I'd probably have an excuse.

christine said...

I agree that you are very brave for attending those showers! I (thankfully) have not been faced with that since we started TTC. I do, however, avoid situations where I think I may get upset/grow more bitter.

I hope you get to experience a belly (and soon)!

ICLW #69

Ashlee G. said...

I have a baby shower to attend this Saturday and am dreading the feelings that will show thier ugly heads during that time.

And hey- No 16 and Pregnant marathons!! Its poison to your heart. Don't do that. I used to, and quit.

Its never easy, but I'm sure one day we will all look back and know that this trial was worth it.

Warm wishes-
Ashlee ICLW #180

Britt said...

Coming over from ICLW! You are right, it's different. It is hard to see other's babies, but it's different. I am the same way, I don't want their babies...I want my own. And for me, I want the babies I have lost back. It's not the same, but it still hurts. I am sorry that you are hurting. Sending you great big hugs!!

Heather said...

Stopping over from ICLW. I am not strong enough for baby showers. I just can't deal with them. Of course I am happy for the moms-to-be, etc. While I don't want to rain on their parade I am not ready to march in it with them.

I totally understand your pain.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for leaving a comment over on my blog, even though we are on an IF break, it is still so awesome to get support from fellow IFers. I dint know if you looked back on us at all, but we have an azoo diagnosis as well, and I know exactly what you are saying about baby showers. All three of my sister-in-laws have gotten pregnant this year. And even though I know we have our own story and our own timeline, it has been rough for me. But you made a wonderful point about not wanting those babies, but rather wanting your own. That is exactly how I feel, but haven't been able to put into words. It has been causing me to shy away from my new niece and nephew, when it shouldn't.

Anyway, thanks again for the comment.

Glenn said...

Thank you for your comment. The very best of luck with your journey. I know how hard it is but i found it helped to find the funny side of even the mots painful experiences.

 

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