The Emotions of Being 4dp3dt

Four days past our three day transfer everything is going well. We got the all yesterday to let us know that two of our remaining embryos grew to blastocyst stage and were frozen!

I am back to work and feeling good. We have the PIO routine down, with heat before and after ML gives each injection. My rump gets a little sorer every day, but it is totally bearable. Every night I take my low dose aspirin, 4mg of Medrol, 20mg of Parloden, 10 mg of Lexapro, and the vagifem suppositories. Every morning I take the progesterone suppository.

This 2ww feels different from the IUI waits. I still feel positive and hopeful, but in a much more subdued kind of way. I also feel more driven by these instincts to take extra good care of myself than I did before. There is something else too, though.

I couldn't go back to sleep last night after my second trip to relieve my bladder. I laid in bed thinking about these feelings and trying to find the words to describe them. My fear in 'saying' them out loud is that they will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, judged, by whoever I say them to, including possibly even in my own mind. But I need to get them out, so that I can work thru them, and let them go.

I mentioned before that this ivf cycle has been hard on ML. A renewed grief has reared its head, and I don't know quite how to deal with it. There are little comments that I am carrying around with me, comments that I want to respect because I know that they are coming from a place of honesty of the loss and grief and fear of this experience. I might be overly sensitive, and this text doesn't begin to convey the tone and context of the conversations. I haven't yet spoken to ML about how I feel, but I will.

After the transfer, when we got in the car to head home, ML handed me the embryo printout and said "Here is the picture of your embryos."

The other night, laying in bed together, we were joking around about "the twins" and I asked ML if he loved them already. He replied, maybe jokingly, "No, I hate them."

Last night I reminded ML that we need to get a bed out of the garage for our new roommate, but that I wouldn't be able to help since I can't lift more than 10 lbs. I admit that I probably could have phrased the reminder better, but he gave me a really hard time about it- As if I shouldn't be trying so hard to protect these embryos' that are hopefully growing inside me.

Later, as we were watching TV together snuggled on the couch, I asked ML if he had any regrets. It was an open ended question, inviting a conversation about this cycle and our journey to start this family, but all I got in return was a "yeah, of course I have regrets."

And finally, as irrational and emotional as this might sound, I am upset that he is not doting on me more. This feels like an irrational thing to say only because he has been incredible, with me every step of the way, attending every appointment, prepping every shot, waiting on me hand and foot while I lived in the couch for a week. I'd be hard pressed to say what more I want from him, I just know that I 'feel' like I want 'more'.

Precautions - Coffee?

I am a coffee drinker. Every morning I emerge from bed and make myself comfortable on the couch with I slowly sip my morning cup of joe. There is just as much ritual as there is time for the caffeine to make its way through my system.

I love my morning cup of coffee. I used to have two, or even three cups some days, but when we really started ttc I made an effort to cut down to one cup... at least during the 2ww every month. I used to think that any baby I conceived would need to prove itself strong enough to survive my habits, and that there would always be another chance to conceive.  (I choke a little thinking that I could have ever thought that, but I did.)

All coffee restrictions went out the window between the time that we go the azoospermia diagnosis and last October when we did our first IUI. I even quit taking prenatals for a portion of that time. It was my way small of rebelling against our situation. (Like when I am upset I sometimes choose to not to brush my teeth before bed, as if that is a way to get back at the world for making me upset. Strange, I know.)

Even when we did our two IUI cycles I maintained my morning one cup of coffee ritual. I felt good about it, like it was a balanced decision. I didn't want to be too extreme about anything, and besides, I really loved my coffee. Dr Google also provided me with enough research to help me rationalize that one cup of coffee per day while pregnant was fine.

So now, here we are 2 day post my 3 day transfer (2dp3dt) and I can't bring myself to drink any coffee. My hesitation started the morning of our transfer. ML poured me a small cup delivered to me as I sat curled on the couch. I had a sip, but that was it. I wanted to drink it, I just couldn't. The dog accidentally knocked over the cup spilling my coffee all over the floor, and I actually felt good knowing that my cup was empty.

Then yesterday morning, I emerged from bed, shuffled to the kitchen, pulled a little white mug from the cupboard, reached for the hot coffee pot, but stopped short of pouring the delicious beverage into my mug. I rummaged around thinking that maybe I'd feel better about making a pot of decaf, but couldn't find any decaf grinds. Confused about what to do next I make a cup of hot chocolate. I needed... something!

What to do... I can at least get away without coffee if I don't have to be awake and leave the house before noon, but I have to go back to work tomorrow. Its going to be ugly for everyone if I try and do it without the caffeine!

I'm also a little hung up about letting myself get too extreme about anything. I know myself, and I know that I can get caught up in things. But, this possible pregnancy, I want to be able to let is be just what it is, not try to make it be anything more of less. I don't want to become one of those crazy obsessed pregnant women who freak out about every little thing.

I am curious to hear your opinions, but I don't expect that I'll be drinking any coffee anytime soon. I will pick up some decaf and see if I can rationalize that as a better option, one that allows me to maintain some semblance of normalcy for the time being. Or maybe the morning hot coco will become my new ritual.

Celebrating Health Reform

I am posting this today in celebration of the one year anniversary of the Affordable Care Act as part of the National Woman's Law Center and MomsRising Blog-aThon. 

Way back, even before we really started trying to get pregnant, I decided to find a local obgyn who I could start building a relationship with so that, when the time came, I would have a dr for my pregnancy. Little did I know that years later I'd still be trying, but that is besides the point of this story. 

Back in 2007 I was a successful small business owner running an industrial fruit brokerage business. My husband was busy working as a self-employed architect. We have always taken a lot of pride in being financially responsible, built a solid emergency fund, set up and made regular contributions to our retirement accounts, and each carried a high-deductible individual health insurance policy. We live frugally, but very comfortably and had made conscious decisions to build flexibility into our careers that would allow us to support our future family. 

We'd talked about starting a family, so I checked my health insurance plan to see which doctors were covered. You can imagine my surprise when I learned that my health insurance plan did not include any OB-GYN in the county where I live. The real shock set in when my insurance broker explained that the rules for individual plans were different from group health plans and that as a result almost all (98%) of the individual plans offered in my County excluded maternity coverage. 

As my broker reviewed the options availalbe for a plan that would include maternity coverage, it quickly became clear that the risk pool for these plans was limited to women who intended to become pregnant. The monthly premiums were over 5 times the amount my husband was paying and the deductibles approached $15,000 compared to the $3,500 deductable on my husbands plan. I could recall that we'd switched my husband to a non-maternity plan a year earlier in order to save a few dollars per month on his premium. 

I felt that my anatomy made me an expensive liability that was going to drain our hard earned savings and saddle our family with medical debt.  I felt like a second-class citizen at the mercy of decision makers who didn't care about my health, dreams or goals.  The more I learned, the more disheartened I felt with the whole system.

For us, the issue of maternity coverage has been resolved thanks to a new job I accepted in 2009 - with a large employer who offers an excellent group insurance plan. Ironically this new job will provide me with the maternity coverage I need to start a family, while ultimately preventing me from maintaining the work-life balance that will allow me to raise my future children. I will always be proud of the success I achieved as a small business owner. 

Considering that an estimated 50% of pregnancies are unplanned, and that no form of birth control is 100% effective, it is simply irresponsible for any woman of child-bearing age to carry health insurance that does not include maternity coverage.  

I testified before the California Assembly Health Committee in 2009 because the rules governing the Individual Health Insurance market, specifically as they relate to the exclusion of maternity coverage, prevent young couples like my husband and I, from being able to start a family without the threat of financial ruin or dependence on state subsidized programs. 

Over 60% of the births in my County are paid for by Medi-cal or other state subsidized programs. I urged our legislature pass legislation that would allow women to take responsibility for their own health care.

Without this legislation and without access to comprehensive individual health insurance that includes maternity, women will face growing challenges providing for their own basic health needs. The current system makes it exceptionally hard for women to take responsibility for their own health care, a necessary pursue their dreams as self-employed entrepreneurs and stay at home mothers.

So many of us lament the exclusion of infertility benefits from our health insurance plans, and that is something that we need to start speaking up about, but to think that we live in a society that doesn't value women and families enough to ensure that woman can purchase their own health insurance with assurance that it will cover their most basic health needs, well that just makes me sick.

California Senate Bill 155 has just been introduced to require individual insurance plans in California to include basic maternity coverage. Yeah, you read what I wrote correctly. Most individual insurance plans in California exclude coverage for basic maternity.  In fact most individual insurance plans across the country exclude maternity coverage, except in those states where is is mandated. Somewhere along the way, maternity coverage became classified as an extra, an unnecessary expense, and thousands of young women were left holding the bag.

Our new Insurance Commissioner Dave Jones came out early in support of SB 155 and even though similar legislation was vetoed by our previous Governor four years in a row, we have every reason to believe that our new governor Jerry Brown will sign the Bill this year. 

This is just one of the reasons that I fought so hard for the passage of the The Affordable Care Act. Come 2014, when this provision of the ACA becomes law, all women in all states will be guaranteed maternity coverage as a fundamental part of their health insurance.

Until then, we are on our own. I actually spent a good portion of this past weekend trying to figure out how to get maternity insurance coverage for a good friend who is ready to start her family. Our conclusion was that without state or federal legislation like SB155 or the ACA, she is out of luck.  


EDITED: For a complete list of posts celebrating Health Care Reform:
http://www.nwlc.org/our-blog/affordable-care-act-and-womens-health-blog-thon-–-posts

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

Precautions - Celibacy?

As we were getting our parting instructions after the transfer yesterday, the nurse stopped at the bullet that said "No intercourse or orgasm until otherwise instructed."

I wasn't surprised to see that listed as a precaution, since just days before they'd pierced the walls of my vag with big huge needles, leaving a stitch behind to close the wound. I wanted those wounds healed completely before welcoming anything else up in there, if you know what I mean!

The nurse wanted to draw my attention to the "until otherwise instructed" portion of the statement. She felt that it should be pointed out to me that, in the event of a pregnancy, the Dr will never instruct otherwise! This precaution will remain in place until week 12 when we are released to an OB, who may then choose to lift the ban.

Okay, time out. I've been reading these blogs for almost a year.
How in the world did I miss the fact that sex is banned for 3 months after IVF? 
How in the world was I not aware of this until yesterday afternoon?

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to follow ALL of the rules and precautions, I have a lot invested in this, but I sure as heck reserve the right to complain about it! and no, the irony of the face that not only did we not have sex to get pregnant, but we can't have sex once we are  does not escape me.

ML had stepped out of the room during the discussion with the nurse, so i had to break the news to him in the car on our way home. He was as shocked as I - I mean, three months is kind of a really long time! I texted/tweeted the girls (you know who you are) and got a ton of feedback affirming the 'precaution'. How could I have miss this before? I called my mom to tell her that the transfer went well, but also to pick her brain about why such a precaution might exist. She had some theories but was just guessing. I called Bestie to express my dismay.

I think the thing that I am most surprised about it that this was a surprise to me.  Is no one else writing about this? Do the Dr's think that this isn't the kind of thing that they might want to warn us about in advance?

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

Grow Embies Grow!

Transfer today went smooth and pain free = Happy Foxy :)

Of the ten fertilized eggs, eight were continuing to grow. We chose to transfer one 8 cell grade 1 embryo and one 7 cell grade 1 embryo.

There are still 3 more 7 cell grade 1 embryos, and three more below that, which we are going to grow for a few more days and freeze those that make it to blastocyst stage. It feels really reassuring to know that we might have some frozen embryos for future cycles.

I'm on couch rest for the next few days, and hope to have time to write up some of the many posts ruminating in my head.

This has been hard for ML, and I wish I knew what to do to be a better support to him. I spent a good portion of last year grieving our loss, but I think that this IVF process is making it all real for him and bringing up some of his grief now. He has always been scared about starting a family, and it is hard for me to know whether his expressions are of that fear or fear of our choice to use donor sperm. I know that everyone says that it does't matter when you finally meet your child, but I wish that I could hear those people talk more about the realities of this choice.

Wishing a big huge congratulations for Kakunna on the arrival of her Cricket. Her story has been a huge source of strength and inspiration for me.

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

The Best Seven Years of my Life

ML and I are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary today! I can honestly say that these have been the best seen years of my life. We've been through so much together and have seen each other thru so many highs and lows. Our wedding day was among the happiest days of my life, surrounded by our friends and family, I could have never dreamed of a more beautiful day. 

They say that pictures are worth a thousand words...

Before the ceremony with my Grandpa and Dad.

My sweet sisters. Aren't they adorable!

Our small ocean side ceremony.

Happy! Happy! Happy!

The love of my life.

ML and I seven years later. I'd marry him again in a heartbeat!

Wish us luck as we celebrate today with our embryo transfer. May our next seven years be as full of joy and love as the first seven. 

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

Women's Health Blog-a-Thon

Two days past retrieval and I am feeling a hundred times better. I haven't taken any pain medicine today and even went on an errand with ML to get cat food. I was feeling a little disconnected yesterday but am back to full positivity today.  

We did our third PIO injection this morning. I lay on my side and try to avoid looking as ML prepares it. I can tell though that he is nervous about it. The actual injection is less painful than the menopur one, but the soreness that shows up later in the day is kind of a bummer. I know have two very sore hips and we are just starting. I tried the heating pad and massage before and after today, we'll see how that works. 

Maybe it is the progesterone working, but my boobs hurt like no ones business. I think my nipps have grown bigger and are so so tender to the touch. I think i might have to look for a new bra that is softer and easier to wear.

ML and I are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary tomorrow! I couldn't be more in love with this man, and feel lucky beyond belief that he is my partner. We'll be celebrating tomorrow with our embryo transfer :) 

*****

Changing the subject, I worked really hard to support the passage of the Affordable Care Act. I personally experienced discrimination in the insurance market and the more that I learned about how women were left out of the healthcare picture, the harder I worked to support reform. 

Thanks to the Affordable Care Act, women are no longer a pre-existing condition. Women and their families no longer have to worry about being dropped from their health coverage when they need it the most; are able to receive access to health coverage if they have a pre-existing condition; and can receive critical preventive health care services like mammograms and pap smears without a co-pay.  In my case, reform means that I could someday return to my previous career as a self-employed entrepreneur and know that it is possible to get health insurance.  

On March 23 and 24, 2011, the National Women's Law Center and MomsRising are hosting a blog-a-thon to celebrate the first anniversary of the Affordable Care Act. Take part in this event by blogging about why the health care law is important for women and their families, and why we need to keep it strong. 

During the week of March 21 - 25, please email the link to your blog post to Danielle Jackson at djackson@nwlc.org so that they can share it during the blog-a-thon. 

To find out more about how the health care law is already benefiting women and their families, please visit our website. If you have any questions about the blog-a-thon, please contact Danielle Jackson at djackson@nwlc.org.

Ten!

Of the 16 eggs that they retrieved yesterday, 12 were mature, and 10 are fertilized!

It all feels so surreal. Like, is this really happening? It could be the drugs I am taking, but I am actually having a hard time getting my head around it all. I feel like I should be more "in" this experience, but instead I just feel so groggy and almost like I am in a dream or something. There is a strange sense of detachment.

Our transfer is set for 12:15 on Monday. I feel confident that we will have two good little embies to return, and I also have a surreal kind of confidence that they will both grow. Ten is a great number, I know, but it almost feels unnecessary. (which is the strangest thing to say, I know, and not what I expected to feel.)

I have three questions for you wise women:
1) Are they embryos as soon as they fertilize? Do I say we have ten fertilized eggs or ten embryos?

2) I am feeling bad about feeling so bad after this retrieval. How long will it take to feel better? For the pain and discomfort to go away? Is there anything I can do to help recover faster? Is the transfer going to hurt?

3) We did our second PIO injection this morning. The injection itself wasn't bad, but now I have two hips that are so sore. I sleep on my side and the pressure on my hip was not pleasant last night. But now I have two hips that are sore.  What to do?

Our Egg Retrevial

As I write this, ML and I are waiting on the fertilization report for our 12 perfect little eggs that were retrieved yesterday.

We arrived at the surgery center right on time and were led to our room. I changed into the gown and in no time the staff was running all the pre-op procedures. The anesthesiologist came in to meet us. The embryologist came in to say hi. Our RE check in to see how we were doing. Twenty minutes later I gave ML a big kiss and walked back to the retrieval room.

Nervous, yes, I was pretty nervous at this point. The room was full of people, hustling around with their different responsibilities. As the nurse was positioning me on the table, the anesthesiologist was telling me that I'd start to feel like I'd had a few cocktails. Within a minute I was asleep.

They were saying my name and raising the table as I woke up. I was hurting. I grabbed the hand of the dr who was standing closest, needing some comfort in that moment. The nurses had me moved into a wheelchair and back in the first room where ML was waiting. I was in a lot of pain, but also very out of it. Tears streamed down my grimaced face. I held on to ML's hand and curled up into a little ball.

I could hear the nurses talking and they were quick to get some extra pain meeds pushed into my iv. It wasn't until the second or third round of additional pain meds that I could start to relax. ML wiped my tears away and sat close assuring me that I could relax and rest now.

ML woke me up sometime later and gave me a little juice. I was still curled in a ball, fearful that moving would bring the pain back. The nurse gave him all sorts of instructions about our medication protocol for the next few days and post-op instructions. I thought that I was listening, but can't really recall much of what she explained.

We'd brought our Progesterone in Oil with us so that the nurse could show ML how to give me the shots. She did her thing and I said "Wow, I didn't even feel that!" ML looked a little surprised at my announcement, and the other nurse reminded us both that I was on a lot of pain medication at the moment!

We finally made it home, into my pajamas, and onto the couch. ML brought me a heating pad that helped a lot with my comfort level. I drank a little bit of my odwala protein drink. ML got called into work for a couple hours, so we called my mom to come and be with me. I'd also scheduled a masseuse to come to the house. She arrived and got set up. My mom got here and ML left.

The massage was actually the best thing that I could have done. She was so gentle and soothing. Her hands on my skin were just the thing to lower any residual anxiety and bring me back into a balanced state of calm relaxation. I felt so much better after she left.

The rest of the afternoon/evening was spent curled on the couch with my mom and ML, watching season one of Glee, taking my vicoden every 5 hours.

I am feeling a hundred times better today. So long as I don't move :)

Thank you all SO much for your amazing support! I really was out of it yesterday, but my mom told me that my phone beeped all day long with text messages and emails from my this incredible loving community.

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)

The Mompetition

KerriK had a few of these video's posted and I laughed so hard watching them that my puppy came over to see if everything was okay. I so appreciate a good laugh. Enjoy.













You can find these and many more awesome funny videos made by Valerie Stone Hawthorne at her blog http://www.themompetition.com/

(Don't forget that every comment during my ivf cycle is an entry into my giveaway! Thank you!)