Hot Water

Hot water that comes of of the ground is freakin amazing. I never cease to be fully amazed at the wonders of nature when I discover naturally created hot pools of water inviting me to soak. We’d planned to camp at a hot spring last night. (*at the time of writing - this post had to wait for internet access.)

I dropped the boys (ML and Mr.T) off to take a 60 mile bike ride and spent the next three hours wandering around the cutest little town. The plan was to follow the path that they took and meet up with them at a ranger station. The plan fell apart when the road turned from a paved one to a gravel one. I could see their tire tracks so I figured they persevered to follow the plan. There were a number of forks in the road and I did my best to guess which way to turn. Every so often I’d come across a sign that pointed in the direction of my destination.  I was concerned that I might be lost, and that I was no longer following the path that the boys took, and that no one would know where to come looking for me if something happened, but continued on my way.

And then, after at least an hour of driving and forking, the gravel road was blocked. Totally blocked. A big gravel mound with a few fallen trees. No possible way over or around it. Crap. 

Panic started to set in. Where the fuck was I? Why didn’t they leave me a sign? There was nothing for me to do but back up and go back. I had no idea how to go back, there had been so many forks in the road. I thought that they must have just continued over the roadblock and continued to our agreed upon destination. Even if I did find my way back to where I’d started from it would take me an extra three or four hours to get to the destination on an alternate path. 

I looked at the clock. It was already 8pm. It was going to get dark soon. crap. I came across another fork in the road. I had to pee. As I got back into the car I had that awful skin prickly feeling that I get when anxiety is taking over. I took some deep breaths and decided that all I could do at this point was commit to a different direction. There was a directional sign at this junction. I wrote a note with my name, the date, the time, and the direction that I was heading in, thinking that the boys must be at the destination realizing that was lost in the national forest and maybe getting ready to send a ranger out to look for me.  I tucked my note into the sign and continued on.

Long panicked story short, I left a few more notes, finally ended up back on a paved road that had an arrow drawn into it with charcoal. Turns out that there were a whole series of arrows at each succeeding junction, and that they were in fact left for me. At some point my phone beeped with a text message from ML. The boys knew I must be lost and were waiting for me at a pizza place in the nearest town. He told me that they left arrows for me. Not sure how the text came thru, because I still had no cell service. 

Finally, I was found. The boys were found. An hour after sitting close to ML I was feeling back to normal. We were no where near our planned destination. We got some dinner at a little diner and directions to a nearby campground. 

There is more to say here (about dinner), but it is for another post.

We found a beautiful national forest campground (blue pool) right along a river. Perfect. and in the morning our neighbors told us about a hot springs a mile up the road. it was beautiful. We made some breakfast, packed up camp, unloaded a mile down the road and spent the next hour soaking up the glorious natural hot water that was emerging from the ground in a perfect little pool right alongside the river.  

Our best laid plans went terribly array, yet we still managed to find exactly what we were  looking for all along. Beautiful.

One Day at a Time

ML fell, or maybe he jumped, off the wagon last Saturday night. He quit drinking in January of 2001. Its been almost 10 years. I freaked out. Lost it. I had no idea how scary it would be for me to see him drink again. I guess I always figured he would someday, but I wasn’t prepared for it. 

When I met him, he drank a lot. A lot. We had a TON of fun, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t what I wanted for my life partner. We dated for almost a year before I decided to move on. I remember telling him that he might consider the effects that drinking was having on his life, but I never predicated our relationship on status of his sobriety. 

We stayed in close touch. Even after I had graduated, moved away, and gotten a ‘real’ job. There was a point when something changed. Over the phone in a matter of a few weeks I felt like I had grown closer to him than I had in the year that I’d known him. It was like there was a depth that suddenly appeared. It probably wasn’t the best description but it was all that I could come up with at the time - I explained to him that there was an extra layer of pie, a layer that I never knew was missing, but that was so delicious and wonderful and made the pie complete.

He’d gotten a d.ui that January after I’d left and decided that it was time to make a change. I’ve been grateful every day since then that he made that choice that allowed our relationship to grow into the beautiful thing that it is today. 

So, on Saturday night, after Mr. T poured ML a gin and tonic, I started to panic. 

We’d decided, well I should clarify that I decided and asked him to agree, that we would be sober this weekend. Don’t judge us, but there are certain occasions where ML and our friends partake in recreational, err, uhh, party favors. And with all of our investment in ML’s sperm, I didn’t want to jeopardize anything. I’ve never felt the need to partake so it wasn’t an issue for me, but I agreed to not drink all weekend so that he wasn’t the only sober one. 

It sucks that this time when we probably need to let lose and relax more than ever is the one time when we can’t. I felt awful asking him to refrain, but he would tell you that he is in full agreement.

He’d mentioned that he was thinking about having a cocktail earlier in the evening. It was the first time that I’d ever heard him talk about being tempted. He said that he felt disconnected from everyone and left out. He wasn’t having a good time. I didn’t know what to say. I mean it is his choice to make. I tried to say that it was a really big decision, one probably best made when not under temptation. I honestly didn’t think he was serious. I believed that he was tempted, I just didn’t believe that he would make the choice to have a drink. 

On our way back to camp after the show we passed by a local band playing a rocking bluegrass version of gin and juice. Maybe that was the sign that he needed to make the choice he did. 

So I freaked out. Totally surprised by my panic I climbed into my tent and the tears started. ML was clearly having a great time. He was happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. Smiling and talking and almost skipping around camp. I felt like a jerk climbing out of my tent and asking him to come to bed with me. He chose me and came to bed. I cried and blubbered about how scared I was and how I needed to know what ‘his plan’ was and what ‘this’ meant. He was so kind and sweet and listened and reassured me. 

The next morning we talked a little. I was calmer. It is what it is. Today is different than it was 10 years ago. We’ll take this one step at a time. 

My dad chose his alcoholism over me. It is a choice, and I would simply die if ML ever chose alcohol over me. I couldn’t take that. That is my fear. I know that he loves me, and would never want to make that choice, but my dad did, and I can’t deny that it doesn’t scare me that ML could do the same thing. 

Its not all bad. On Sunday night we both had a few drinks and talked. We talked about stuff that we really needed to talk about. He told me that he is totally on board with our family. With whatever we have to do to build our family. He assured me that I will be pregnant and that he can’t wait and that it isn’t about him or sperm, but about US. 

I told him that I’d been so unhappy for so long, that I had to grieve. That my unhappiness wasn’t about him, that my grief was real and necessary. That I too grieved over the loss of his sperm. It was SO wonderful to talk to ML about all of these things that we needed to talk about. I told him that it meant so much for me to hear him say these things, that I needed to know how he felt, and that I needed to know that he wanted this as much as I do. It was a conversation that caused tears, of happiness. 

We laughed and talked with our friends and stayed up until the party people dispersed and finally found our way into bed for the night. I love him so much and I don’t doubt for a moment that he doesn’t feel the same for me. This journey is about US and we WILL make it through it. 

I don’t know where this (the choice to drink) leaves us or where this will take us, or what it means for tomorrow. All I know is that it is happening one day at a time and all I can do is handle it the best I can one day at a time.