My Scarlet Pain

My Scarlet Pain

I’ve been thinking about how to say these things all week. I’m going to try my best to get it all out on paper, but I know it is not going to make sense the way I need it to. It will sound contradictory and whiney, but there is a feeling that I need to communicate, so I’m going to give it my best shot.

I realized last weekend when my girlfriends and I had that discussion about hope that the people around me don’t have any idea how much pain I am in. They know that I am having a hard time in this struggle, and they are so kind and loving, but they just can’t comprehend it. My boss is wonderful and so accommodating and says nice things like “even at your worst, you are better than most of the people we work with at their best”. I couldn’t ask of anything more of the people in my life, but they just don’t know.

They are all looking to me for guidance as to how to be supportive and helpful. I don’t have anything to offer them. 

They are all watching my mood to gauge how I am doing. And when my mood is low, they can see that I am in pain. I need for them to know that I am in pain. I need them to know that I am struggling. Somehow their acknowledgement of my pain makes it real, makes it legitimate, makes it valid. Somehow it is easier to carry this feeling when it is acknowledged by others, and the only way they know to acknowledge it is to see me sad.

I feel like this infertility (aka pain, loss, fear, etc) is now a part of who I am, and yet I am struggling to incorporate it into the self that I was and to emerge in some sort of balanced way. 

I am so done with feeling so low. I am so ready to let some sunlight in, to let some bright warm light shine on my soul. and Yet I am struggling with how to acknowledge the pain, while letting happiness in. 

When I smile and act happy, people around me think that everything is okay.  It’s as if there is no pain, there is no sadness, I am not scared or worried, there is no unfullfilled purpose. If I am happy, then those other emotions must not exist. This is such an oversimplified view, but it is the best I can do to explain it. 

I know that all of these emotions can co-exist together. That I can experience happiness and sadness, pleasure and pain all in the same moment. Emotions are not mutually exclusive, they are not black and white.  I know that. 

But somehow, I feel like I am betraying my pain by wishing to make room for other feelings, by letting other people see that there is room for other feelings to fit. How could my pain possibly be as big as I say it is if there is space to experience pleasure and joy?

I wish that there was some way that I could visually show the world just how big and real this struggle is. Some way that even as I laugh or dance, that everyone will see that I am burdened by this additional powerful emotion. Even if they can’t comprehend my experience of this struggle, I want them to know that it is always with me.

The Upside of Azoos

I think about our fertility all the time. Seriously. All the time. Sometimes there are specific thoughts, other times the thoughts are generalized mobs of wordless emotions. Its like I am looking out at the world through a set of infertility glasses.  I wear the glasses all the time, but sometimes the lens of IF is much thicker than other times. Its been my goal to try and pick out the prettiest most positive frames for this pair of glasses. I think that I’ve been doing a pretty good job.

Every now and again I think to myself, gosh, there are silver linings with this Azoos. Rather than focus on all of the sad thoughts, I want to take this space to celebrate the benefits - the Upside of Azoos. Maybe you have a few to add to my list.

Career Advancement. I can do a job I really enjoy without feeling like I am giving up the ability to be with my kids. I spent so many years setting up a career that would let me work from home, but then this job opportunity came along and it was so special that I couldn’t say no. It requires so much of my time and energy, but the work is so important and I would feel so lucky that I can give so much of myself to it without feeling like I am cheating my family.

Birth control, smirth control. We’ll never have to worry about that! I can remember being on vacation once and realizing, at the wrong moment, that we hadn’t packed our bc. We’ll never have to worry about that again!

Love Children. Have you ever wondered if someday a kid will show up claiming that they are your husband’s love child? It’s the kind of thing your hear about every now and then.  I know that My Lover had a lot of fun before I met him, so I sometimes wondered… It is nice to have one less thing to worry about these days.

Hand me Downs. Bring them on! By the time we finally have kids, we’ll be getting hand me downs from everyone we know. They will all be long done having their kids and we’ll get our choice of all their best gear.

Longest Love Making Session Ever. Some guys brag about being able to last for hours. They’ve got nothing on us! I would argue that I’ve been in the most intense love making baby making session with My Lover for almost a year now. Other people brag about the love making toys they use. Yeah, well, you wouldn’t believe the love making toys that we are using.

Cocktails & Coffee. With Azoos, there is no monthly 2ww. My Lover and I relied on the pull and pray method for years before we actually started trying to conceive. I was always very aware of where I was in my cycle and cautious about the beverages I consumed during the couple weeks every month that I might be pregnant. I take delight now in every cup of coffee and every cocktail I consume knowing that I've got nothing to worry about. 

* * * * *

I've been looking at the beautiful flowers at Farmers Market for weeks. There are these little bunches of sweet peas. They are so beautiful and delicate. At my girlfriend's house the other day, I admired her sweet pea bouquet and told her about how I've been seeing the flowers at the market recently. She laughed at me and suggested that I buy myself a bunch. We laughed together when she said, its okay, you can make that decision, it's not such a big decision. With so many other big decisions consuming us lately, somehow I ran out of power to make such a simple little choice to buy myself a $3 bunch of pretty flowers. 

So yesterday, in between two fairly intense work meetings, I stopped by the farmers market and picked up a little bunch of sweet peas. I brought them to my final meeting of the day, so they wouldn't wilt in the car, and felt so proud of myself. They are sitting with me now, in a pretty little vase, emitting the most sweet subtle fragrant smell. 

So beautiful. So simple. So sweet.