Blithering

I feel like I am falling apart at the seams.

I've been on the verge of tears all day. The kind where they well up in my eyes and break my voice up if I try to talk.

I'm feeling the pressure of a deadline that could be tonight or could be five weeks from now.  Combined with a tired that seems to be growing as a result of all the tossing and turning I do at night and a set of body aches that are just wearing me down.

I woke up a couple weeks back overcome with emotions that had left me alone for the majority of this pregnancy. The tears, the frustrations, the irritability, the grump, these unwelcome guests just forced their way back into my life.

Last Friday I got into a fight with my sister about Thanksgiving. She left in tears and I felt awful. It is a longstanding issue in our family, but seriously there is no excuse for me to say anything to make her cry.

At work this week I almost tore into a colleague because she wasn't following through on a request that I'd made of her earlier. I was so frustrated that I actually called her boss to report her defiance - luckily he wasn't there and I had time to collect myself before making a scene about something that has been this way for a long time and probably isn't going to change until she retires.

Worst of all, I blew up at ML this morning. Its like I was possessed and unable to communicate rationally. I swear I have rational thoughts, but instead they come out like obsessive demands, and when he responded to them as such I just fell apart. and its taken me all day to try and regain my composure.

I am so worried about meeting this deadline, and yet I basically lost a whole day of preparation to these emotions.

Among my biggest issues at the moment is maternity pictures. I want these pictures. I've dreamed of these pictures. And yet I've put off scheduling these photo shoot for some unknown reason. For a long time I was afraid to plan anything, and then I wanted them to be perfect and waited until I had the time to decide exactly what I wanted, and now I feel like if we don't do them NOW, there is a chance that they won't happen at all.

I hit my breaking point this morning when I asked ML to take some pictures with me before breakfast and he suggested that it could wait until later in the day. I honestly can't recall how it all fell apart, but it did. I told him that I would never forgive him if I didn't get these pictures. As I started to lose it, he tried to offer a few other suggestions that only made me more upset.

Bestie and I ended up talking. I explained that I was such a mess at this point that I just needed ML to take charge and make the photos happen. I was beyond the point of being able to choose or call a photographer. I was beyond the point of being able to select clothing to wear or the types of pictures I wanted. I had turned into a blithering idiot who needed to be coddled. Her sister had recommended a photographer earlier, so her sister called the guy to see if he was available for a shoot today. He wasn't, so she text his info to ML so that he could set up a time tomorrow. ML promptly forwarded the contact info along to me so that I could call the guy....

Apparently I don't know how to communicate to him that I am just so overwhelmed that I need him to take over for a bit. And how is he supposed to know what I need if I can't tell him?

I feel like there are a few things that I feel like I've been asking for from ML in preparation for this baby, and while he is taking on a TON of other really important responsibilities he is not understanding why these things are important to me.
A book I wanted him to read - one book to prepare him to be a good birth partner. I know how much I am going to rely on him and need to know that he is prepared.
A few birth classes that I signed up up to take together - the curriculum turned out to be less than robust and we didn't really learn much of anything, but I took it so personally that he balked attending.
These maternity pictures - how can he not see that we are running out of time?
Just thinking about it now is bringing on the tears again.

I feel so lame for being so lame.
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I am not ready for this to be over. I am not. and I feel the clock ticking that this pregnancy is coming to an end. And while I sit here complaining, I just want it to last for a while longer.

I just don't know if we will ever do this again. The more I think about it the more I find myself thinking that this just might be it. and I want these last few days/weeks to be great. and I want the birth to be the best that it can be. There is no going back.
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The photographer is coming tomorrow at 10:30 for our photo shoot. ML took me shopping to get some clothes for the pictures. My mom is taking me for a foot massage this evening. Bestie and my mom are throwing me a small blessingway tomorrow. We are going to bless this home, paint my belly, sing some songs, and hopefully help me find a better emotional place to be.

Photobucket

8 comments :

Liz said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelemed lately. Pregnancy is no easy time for a girl that's for sure! It sounds like you are doing the best you can and that's all you really can do. I hope you enjoyed your trime shopping with your husband & your foot massage with your Mom. I would love to see one of your pregnancy pictures or two. I am sure they will be beautiful & a memory you will hold dear forever! Have a great time at your Blessingsway! Take care!

Lauren said...

I am going to tell you what my OB told me when I lost my shit and bawled all over him in his office when I was hugely pregnant:

It is your "obstetrical right" to be overwhelmed and crazy and emotional right now.

That little baby inside of you is doing insane things to your hormones, is taking over your body and your mind, and you are not yourself. Try not to feel too guilty about your craziness.

(((HUGS)))

Miss Mac said...

These last few days/weeks bring on an emotional overload and, for me, a type of panic about some idea I have in my mind of what "totally prepared" looks like. Then I have to remind myself that the ultimate goal is getting this little one here safely and everything else is small compared to that. I also want PC to do more reading and talking about the birth but no such luck... I'm holding out hope that he is saving up to come shining through when the day comes. Enjoy the special plans you have in the next few days and hang in there!

E and R said...

I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. I'm a few weeks behind you and have had a few moments of feeling overwhelmed as well, and I have no doubt it will just get worse! I was annoyed with my husband too when he was less than excited about attending the classes with me - once I started crying he went out of his way to assure me that he really did want to go. I have no doubt he was just trying to make me feel better, but it (mostly) worked. I also have the same worry about whether or not I will ever get to be pregnant again or if this is the only time I will get to experience all of this. That alone is overwhelming!
I hope all goes well with your photo shoot and blessingway.
Thinking of you!!! (((HUGS)))

Sarah said...

Aww I am sorry you are having all these overwhelming emotions! But by the end of your post their seemed to be a good plan in place to help bring you some peace :)

Brenda said...

I'm so sorry for the emotional rollercoaster right now. I think that I echo some of the other comments right now that this is normal. It's awful, because I know you just want to capture everything perfectly. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I hope that you find a peace sooner rather than later. Because likely the birth isn't going to go exactly as you hope, the breastfeeding will not go quite as planned, etc. I'm not trying to insinuate that anything will go badly, it's just rarely does anything we plan for and envision go the way we think/hope that it will. And ALL OF THAT IS OK! You will soon have at least 18 years (or more) to make better memories than your idealized memories, because these are the ones that actually happen and will be part of the story that defines you. Best of luck to you!

Kakunaa said...

This is going to be the hardest few weeks. It is that last minute rush and your hormones are in overdrive. There is no way for a nesting mama to be rational. And it will pass. This I know. Remember to breathe. Write down what you need to say and try reading that to him. And feel that babe moving around. Hand on the belly and breathe. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Hi from ICLW. Don't feel lame for being lame. If I've learned anything in this IF land, it's that sometimes we need extra love. Hang in there!

 

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