compassion

I was on face.book last night and came across something that has really gotten me thinking. 


One of the biggest things that I have gained from this journey is a deeper compassion for people. 

Compassion: 

A deep awareness of and sympathy for another's suffering

Understanding without judgment.

I have been shown kindness at so many critical moments by people who had no idea how much their words or actions could possibly mean to me and who had no idea that I was struggling. This infertility has consumed me for so long, and yet, most of the people who interact with me on any given day have no idea. They have no idea that I am in so much pain, that I am so emotionally exhausted, that while I am talking to them I am at the same time thinking about my cycle and our next biopsy and so on and so forth.  


They have no idea that there is a secret that I am concealing. 


Back to facebook - - - A photo had been tagged in the album of 'Sam Smith' (names changed of course to respect the privacy of those involved). I have a professional colleague named 'Suzy Smith' and wondered if Sam might be her brother. (My sister works with me an I hadn't realized that she worked with her siblings also.) I clicked over to see Sam's page and it had a picture of Suzy. I noticed a link to a blog and clicked through. 


The blog was all about Suzy's transgender experience and her recent transition to become Sam. Sam wrote incredible posts about being outed to the community, about not fitting in with traditional social structures, and about the support that comes with breaking the silence.  I don't need to 'know' Sam's experience to know that it had been a hard path. 


Reading thru Sam's posts I was struck at the similarities we've experienced on our different journeys. I tried to write more about those similarities, but can't seem to get the words right, and really don't want to inadvertently marginalize anyones journey or experience. 


Sam and I have been colleagues for some time. We've attended the same events and know who each other are, yet we've never had the opportunity to really talk beyond the social introductions. To be honest, I'm not sure that I would have really known what to talk about beyond our work.  


However, the reality is that, at each of those social events, we were both struggling with deeply personal challenges. We were both wearing a mask of social happiness and had anyone asked, we would have both responded that life was good, we were fine, concealing the truth to protect our souls. 


It's not that I ever assumed that my journey, that my pain, that my struggle was somehow 'special', but it is so hard to see beyond the social masks to know that I really am not alone. It reminds me that there is always a reason for compassion and kindness, even when it may seem unnecessary, even when we may not know the secret that a person is concealing.


I have so many more thoughts that are just not translating very well.


Sam is an awesome writer and I immediately added his blog to my reader.  Someday, I hope that I have the chance and am brave enough to tell Sam what his words mean to me.

Strong and Wise

Dear Caitlyn and Tyler,

You are two beautiful human beings. 

Watching you make the most selfless and loving choice really touched me. You opened my eyes to the full experience of adoption. You opened my heart to acceptance of the beauty and love that can be created through adoption. 

You are indeed strong and wise. Thank you for sharing your story with us. 

Love,

Foxy

Dear Brandon & Teresa,

I don't know your journey, but I do know the struggle of infertility and the longing for a child. 

I just watched the reunion episode of Teen Mom and cried. The love that you have for your daughter is so complete. The compassion that you show to Caitlyn and Tyler is so genuine. 

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. 

With love,

Foxy

Tetris Master

 I am a tetris master. 

Something about putting all of the little pieces away, right where they belong,

I love it. 

Pen and Paper Challenge

Gil at The Hardest Quest issued a challenge. She challenged us to reach out beyond these blogs and offer to write (with real pen and paper) a note so some of our fellow bloggies who have touched our life in a meaningful way. 


She says, "Make the offer to write a personal note to them (if they're willing to give you a snail-mail address) and let them know how or why they have affected you." 


It is kind of like the Celebration Society, but I like the idea of a real note being tangible. So I am going to participate, and encourage you to join in as well. 


(Granted I have tried to remain anonymous here in blogland, and am not totally comfortable myself with giving out my mailing address, so I will be most understanding of others who would prefer not to share the their info.)

published

I've been working on this school bond campaign, and am simply amazed at how many are against it because they are mad about all of the school cuts that we've experienced in the past few years, or mad that they have to donate school supplies to their child's classroom, or mad that the school board made a decision that they don't agree with. This bond will raise over $100 million to begin the process of fixing schools that were built 50 or more years ago. 


So many people are so selfish, worried about their own self interests. If this bond won't support their child and their child's school and their child's classroom, they are against it. If this bond won't directly benefit the teachers and their union negotiations, they are against it. Even the local PTA chapter is not supportive because they don't like the Superintendent.


I mean, I get that people are upset about a lot of things that may in fact be super legitimate and need attention. However to let those issues get in the way of passing a bond that will affect the lives of students and families for generations to come, I just don't understand that thinking.


I wrote a letter to the editor about the bond that was published in the Sunday edition of our local newspaper. I'm PUBLISHED!


I was a little snarky and I hope it doesn't backfire on me or the bond... I wrote "The fact is, this school bond is more important than petty disagreements, special interests and individual fiefdoms. It is about ensuring that future generations of our kids have the opportunity to get a quality education from our public schools."


***I know that many of you are teachers, so I hope that I haven't been offensive in anything I said. I just know that my Someday kids will be attending these schools long after the Superintendent is gone,  many of the principals have retired, and a new school board is seated. The issues that might prevent this bond from approval are passing, the need to invest in these schools will remain long into the future. I'd really love to think that we can see beyond the 'here and now' to start investing in the future.

It is what it is

It is what it is. ML says that. and he is right.
We did everything that we could and now it is what it is.

He is really sad. In the way that boys show they are sad. But I know that this is really hard for him.

I feel... maybe in a little bit of shock still. Getting this news didn't feel like the punch in the gut that i was expecting. It feels quiet. decisive.

I was preparing for grey, for ambiguity. for results that presented some unexpected and additional choice. But this is black and white. and I although I hate the outcome, I have tremendous comfort in the certainty.

It is what is is.
and we will move forward from here.

***
I have to take a moment to thank each of you for your loving and kind comments recently. Each comment was like a pillar of strength that surrounded me in a moment when I wasn't sure I was strong enough to stand on my own. Your strength reminds me of just how strong I really am. Thank You.

nothing

the results are in.
they found nothing.

we tried everything.
and yet we get nothing.

depressed

I am depressed.

I told ML that I feel like my life has no purpose. Without kids, without my own family.

But then I feel selfish and guilty. My life is as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined it could be. But there is this one thing, this one basic and fundamental thing that is missing. and without this one thing, my life is incomplete. it is worthless. it is meaningless.

I couldn't bear to get out of bed yesterday. and then the tears started and didn't stop all day. I had to call my boss and tell her that I was a blithering idiot and not suitable to be seen in public. She understood and was nice about it, but I still felt like crap for leaving her hanging unprepared for an important meeting.

This feeling is partly an anticipation of the FNA results that we are waiting for next week, I know that anxiety is just building up inside of me.

This is also about just wanting so much to be on the other side of this. and until I get there, my life is just a series of actions that are only intended to pass the time.

This depression feels very different than what I felt last year. Last year I was consumed by shock and grief and fear, which left me so overwhelmed with emotions that the pain was nearly unbearable.

This year, it feels much more cerebral. I am dealing with the grief, and am building good coping skills to manage the anxiety of waiting. And now, there is space for this underlying belief to rise to the surface. What is the point? What is the point of any of this when it has nothing to do with my purpose for being?

Last year, I felt no hope, I experienced no real joy or laughter. I really was just going thru the motions because I was so caught up in my own grief and pain. This year that fog has lifted. I have laughed, I can envision our Someday, I have re-engaged with friends and family and community work. But beneath it all is this truth, this truth that my most fundamental reason for being is missing.

I get that this daily routine of going to work and paying the bills and so on and so forth is necessary. But it suddenly feels so damn meaningless.

Post its for Fall

Welcome Mama!

I've thought about so many different things to write about in the past 24 hours, but now that I am sitting here, none of them seem to be tangible.

I had a really nice dinner with my mom last night. I feel like it has been so long since I've been able to just sit and talk with her. I've been wanting to show her my blog for ever, and finally, after dinner last night I was able to tell her about it and pull it up on my iphone so she could see it. She is so wonderful and supportive and I am so lucky that we get to be connected as mother and daughter.

So, Welcome to my blog Mama!

Ohhh - and Sister and Bestie, You are now welcome here too!

You three have been so incredible and patient and kind and understanding and available to me during this journey and I am forever grateful.

So after dinner I was walking back to my car and noticed that the light was on at the massage place. This massage place is awesome - they offer hour long foot massages for $25 that are really a full body clothed massage that includes a hot water bath for your feet. I wandered across the street and found myself laid out in the chair enjoying an impromptu massage. I thought about so many things but successfully kept refocusing on the music that was playing. It felt so good to just stop and do something that was just for me. Then after the massage, I got my hair cut! I figured that I was already there, and I'd been wanting to get my hair trimmed for like the past year. The lady washed, cut and blew out my hair, and, it felt so nice.

I have a spa day all set for October 16th, with my sister and a few friends. (anyone want to join us? :) and another spa day scheduled for me and my mama the first week of November. My mama reminded me that I have got to be taking care of myself - thanks mama!

If everything proceeds as planned, we'll be getting started with treatment pretty quickly after getting the results of the FNA next Friday. I am trying so hard to let this journey be what it is but I seriously can't wait to get moving on what comes next. The sooner we start treatment, the sooner we get to Someday, and the sooner I get off this freakin roller coaster.

*** A perfect moment to share: ML and I called my grandma before stopping by her house the other day. She was so glad to hear from us and to hear that we were headed over. She asked if we could do her a big favor and run by the grocery. "Of course," we say, "What do you need grandma?" She replies "a bottle of Kettle One vodka!" 

Omg, I love you grandma!!!