this and that

Happy 4th of July!

Mr Fox just hopped on his bike to ride downtown. I'll pack little fox up when he wakes from his nap and meet him downtown for the festivities. So I find myself with a few minutes of peace, just for me.

My anxiety is running out of control this week. That feeling where my insides are vibrating and my thoughts could cease to be my own at any moment, it sucks, and I don't like it.

To my credit, there IS a lot going on right now. But I did get a little lax about taking my medications daily too. So I have some faith that if I can just ride it out that things will feel better soon.

I really think too, that I was trying SO hard to hold it together during this past month, not knowing what was going to happen, that I finally am starting to relax again and all of the fear and anxiety that I was holding inside is emerging.

Mr Fox has been going to his AA meetings everyday. and last night I finally hired a babysitter so that I could go to an alanon meeting. I cried the whole hour, but it was tears of relief really, that I was there knowing that Mr Fox was at his own meeting.

My co-worker had her baby this week, so I'll be working more hours to cover for her while she is on leave. The reality of our job-share is that we each get paid 20 hours /week to work something much closer to 30. I'll be officially working 30 hours/week while she is on maternity leave, but can't realistically do much more than that. So I am looking at a task list that requires 60 hours/week and only have 30 hours/week to get things done... Being at work, where I usually feel like I am getting a 'break' felt extra stressful this week. I actually, for the first time ever, wondered if I would prefer to not work outside the home.

But then there is Mr Fox, who confirmed this morning, as I suspected, only has one active project right now. On the one hand its good that he has this time to focus on self-care, meetings, exercise, rest, etc... but on the other hand, he really needs to be working because, you know, we have bills to pay.

I suggested that maybe he could take on an extra day of watching little fox, since he wasn't actually working 4 days /week. (My mom watches him 3 days a week and we each watch him 1 day /. week) He started to balk, implying that it wouldn't be fair or something, but I immediately called him out on it. My days are scheduled to the T, with NO free time for me - Yet he gets all the free time he wants because he is not working as much right now? That crap makes me angry.

Closing on a positive note - can you believe how freakin adorable my little fox is? Seriously.