Three years later

Mothers Day 2010 was my first post on this blog. It was a dark time of general despair about our future. Wow do things change. I will be celebrating my second mothers day on Sunday... There must be more to say abut this, but I'm not sure what, exactly. Life is so full these days, and I am often too tired to think beyond the next hour, much less into the future.

Reviewing my calendar this week, I had 'lunch with kim' scheduled for Friday. Disturbingly I had no memory of making plans and hadn't left myself any clues in the appointment. I texted two friends named Kim - who are both out of town this week - and the lunch was with neither of them. This is just one example of the memory loss that comes with sleep deprivation.

Among the things that I really do want to write about are:

The embryos - we paid for storage for another year. and ML keep saying, with great intent and very genuinely, that he does not want BC to grow up an only child. He is serious about trying again. and the thought still terrifies me.

Nursing - It is becoming an increasingly frustrating situation. It is like BC is obsessed with my breasts, and if I am around all he can think about is getting at them. I see other moms talk about the 'drive-by' nursing, but my child seriously wants me bare-chested with constant access. He pulls on my shirt which makes me .insane. and find myself yelling at him when he pulls on my neckline. I'd intended to nurse as long as he wanted to, but am seriously considering if it is time to start limiting access.

Politics - I work in politics. Local politics mostly, and there are some intense local issues at play. More and more often I feel like I must be missing some critical piece of the picture, because the actions of people just don't add up. For a long time I was able to keep the emotions of my work very separate, but i find myself getting caught up in the drama more and more. I blame the lack of boundaries on being too tired to maintain clear separation, but it also probably has a lot to do with knowing that the issues facing our community now will significantly impact BC's future here.

Milestones - My baby is on the verge of talking. He started saying 'mama', 'ta-ta', and 'NO' this week. He'd been saying 'ice', 'booo' (for book), 'baaloo' (for balloon), and whoo-whoo-whoo (for dog - whoof whoof whoof) for a few weeks now. All of a sudden he is trying harder to repeat words that we say and paying close attention to language. It is pretty incredible to watch growth that feels like it is happening SO fast!

God Parents - yes, we are thinking about how this might work. and what to call it, since we are not religious. I'd love your thoughts, and suggestions.

New Furniture - We have been looking at new furniture and decided to take the plunge and order anew living room set. We've had our current couch for over ten years, and received it as a hand-me-down when it was retired from ML's dad's home. It is long overdue for replacement, and in such bad shape I don't think we could even give it away. The thought of a real living room set makes me feel like a real grown up! I am so excited.

Midwifery - I've found myself coordinating local advocacy for midwifery issues. The authorizing language for licensed midwifes is sun-setting as part of the Medical Board of California Sunset Review 2012. The California Association of Midwifes is working to ensure that their ability to practice in the state is not impacted negatively by the reauthorization legislation. Rather than actually pushing aggressively to correct some ridiculous limitations that are in the current legislation it seems as though they have chosen to take the path of least resistance and deal with the real issues later. Fundamental to the practice of midwifery in California is that current legislation requires that Licensed Midwives operate under the supervision of a physician and surgeon, however malpractice insurance will not cover any physician who supervises a midwife, and thus there are essentially no formal supervision arrangements in place. The Medical Board continues to issue new licenses to midwifes and has not enforced this provision, however medicaid refuses to pay for midwifery care that does not include a supervising physician. 

Facebook - I have SO loved staying in touch with some of my blog friends via facebook. It is so much easier to type a short update - or post a quick picture - than to get online and comment on blogs. My profile is hidden, and none of my facebook friends know about this blog, so I'm hesitant to post it here, but feel free to let me know if you want to connect there and I'll send you my profile link. (email me at

I do want to find more time to write. about some of these things that keep me up at night these days. actually, i fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow most nights, so maybe I should say -the things I think about while awake at night nursing BC. In any case, i miss writing.

Love to you all, and a big thanks to all who advocated at Advocacy Day and during NIAW!



St Elsewhere said...

Well, if you are terrified...keep the embies on freeze and do not go for another till you are mentally ready. Raising a child is exhausting, and I can certify that with first-hand experience.

I cut BF access for my daughter at around when she was 11 months old, and that was mostly because she was more into playful biting than actually taking the stuff. So I just stopped. How about offering him a bottle or sippy every time he pushes you for breast-feeding. BF is also a point of security, and maybe you can convince him with just hugs. But I know that I weaned lucky, and that weaning off breast feeding is not easy at all.

St Elsewhere said...

Happy Blogoversary!

Marianne said...

Happy blogoversary! You've come a long way baby :-)

Such hard questions you ask!! As far as weaning - I think I got crazy lucky, like BC she was also like obsessed with my breasts. Wanted them out all the time. I think my supply was dwindling and eventually she got so mad that it made her stop. She still to this day pulls on my shirt looks adoringly at my breasts, shakes her head and says 'no no no' with a devastated look on her face. Like she misses them and knows they are empty.
My ped gave me some good advice about weaning at her 15 month appt that I think made a lot of sense - that at this age it is mostly about comfort an bonding. So make the time the baby drinks milk out of a sippy or whatever cup the time when you cuddle, stroke hair and sing soft songs. When he breastfeeds turn your face away and don't stroke or comfort the baby. Like don't be cruel but just disengage yourself. Maybe that will help a little?

You're amazing for still nursing. I hope you know that!

Rach said...

Wow, You Have Been A Busy Busy Lady! I Was So Happy You Found Me On FB!

Katie said...

Happy blogoversary! I completely understand the lack of time thing. I try and squeeze in posts as much as I can, but it's HARD when you work full time, are parenting, etc. I firmly believe that there needs to be more non-working hours in the day. :)

Anonymous said...

I love getting to look back and see how much our lives have changed in those three years. It's been a journey.

All the things you want to post about, if only we had the time hey!

God parents, we have had the same issue, we aren't religious, but gardian seems a bit cold. No idea what to call it, but I have to say chose who to take over from you ifyou aren't around is the hardest decision in the world and I have to admit that while we have just made the best choice available, I am not happy with the choice at all, I don't feel that our kids 'god'parents will be adequate, but would anyone be good enough to look after our kids?

Good luck!

Em said...

That godparent thing is hard to know how to navigate. We chose a "godmother" for my daughter (my dearest friend) and although none of us like the term, we can't think of anything better to call her! We refer to her as Auntie Ashlee in person, but beyond that, we're stuck.


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