a different kind of dream

I had a dream that ML and I ran away. We left Q sleeping on the bed at my SIL's house, and ran away in the dark of the night. I don't know where we went, just that it was necessary, and was away from Q.  We knew that they would awake to his cries and that he would be safe there. Safe until we could get our wits about us and go back for him.

It was a desperate dream. One that I dreamt from the couch of my SIL house, after losing my shit sometime after midnight, after Q had awoken again. I got Q back to sleep then woke up ML, to cry and to tell him that I needed help. More help. That I was falling to pieces. Crumbling. ML did his best to offer comfort, despite the fact that it felt to him like I was blaming him for not helping enough, and then sent me to the couch to get some sleep. He played the hero and while I dreamt about running away. He soothed our baby back to sleep the next few times he awoke that night.

Maybe it is because I wanted this so much. Maybe that is why it is hard to be real about how incredibly hard it is to be a mom.And, let me be clear, let there be no misunderstanding about what I am saying. THIS IS HARD. 

It's hard, and I. am. so. tired. 

I made an appointment to go see my old therapist.

I write this because I need to write. Because I need to get it out.
Because I need to be reassured that I am not alone in having these feelings.
Because I need to be reminded that this is the only thing I have ever wanted.

and thats the thing. this is the only thing I have ever wanted.
and I feel guilty for 'wasting' parts of it.

I am so lucky to be able to ask for help. But I am having a really hard time knowing exactly what kind of help it is that I need. I have a super-dad as a husband - he seriously spends more time with Q than I do and knows his cues better than me. I have a babysitter come a few mornings a week so that I can sleep, because when I say tired, it is a tired unlike any I have ever imagined, and sleeping for a few extra hours in the morning is the only thing that makes a day functional. My mom comes over a few evenings a week to help, and she really is helpful. But I need more. but I dont know what to ask for. I don't know what to do, other than wait for this to pass.

In other words, Q is adorable, incredibly social, generally happy, except when he's not, and so full of energy. He loves people, loves activity, loves the outdoors. He is extreme in his reactions, intense in his emotions, and so aware of his surroundings. He is on the verge of crawling, able to creep and roll his way around the living room to reach toys, people, and his dog. He is vocal in his happiness, and has a strong set of lungs he exercises when he is unhappy. He is perfect in every way. Our beautiful little boy with the softest round cheeks and big warm smile. He actually reached out for me with both arms the other day and my heart melted. It is incredible.

incredible, yet intense.
and so hard.



Lauren said...

It sounds like it's time to give sleep training a try... this is the same age Noah was when he was sleeping so terribly and I couldn't do ANYTHING to fix it. Finally, the night when nothing I would do would make him stop crying or put him back to sleep, I let him cry. I hate CIO, but in some situations it is necessary.

Maybe you should get a sleep consultant? Try looking into thebabysleepsite.com. They are the most reasonable, find-what-works-for-each-individual-family-and-child sleep experts I've ever encountered.

Marianne said...

We are in a sleep dilemma here too. I'm gonna post about it soon. I'm so tired too. And no matter how much he helps I don't think my husband gets it.

Love you girl!!!!

Call me anytime you want to vent!

E and R said...

Being a parent is HARD. Harder than I expected for sure. Sleep continues to be an issue here as well - I finally have given up to a point and just let her co-sleep with us, because then she actually sleeps, which means I can too. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Melissa G said...

Ugh, I'm sorry things are so tough right now. But I'm proud of you for asking for help.

I hope things get better very soon.

Brenda said...

I'm so sorry. Yes, being a parent is so, so, so hard. Even if it is all that you ever wanted.

I agree, sleep training might be in order. I know with the twins, I had to get them (and myself) on a sleep schedule in order to survive. And a sleep schedule for me meant that I went to bed at a specific time and got up at a specific time...no naps. The first few weeks I was falling asleep while driving (not good, I know). Then, miraculously, things started to improve. When my body knew that I was going to go to sleep for a specific time, then it just ...adjusted. I NEVER would have believed it. NEVER. I have always been such a tired person. And at this point, I was just too exhausted for words.

Not to give more assvice, but can you A) have your husband get up with him at night once or twice? B) Try sleep training (painful for you, but they never remember it and greet you with a smile in the morning). or C) have your hormone levels checked. Specifically your thyroid? I may have missed it in your post, but having your thyroid hormones low will make you so very exhausted. Or maybe checked for mono?

I hope things get better soon. You need help; no one should be this tired and try to function.

Bethanie said...

Been there, am there. You're not alone.

Emmy said...

It is so so hard, and the lack of sleep makes it harder. Sending you lots of strength and sleep-through-the-night Q thoughts. I hope you can get past this soon.

~kkwg. said...

I hear you. My mom said the other day, "Babies are so fun!" "Fun?" I replied, "This is hard work!" I never imagined just how intense and exhausting this could be.

Augusta said...

Dear friend, I'm sorry it's been so, so hard on you. I hear that is has been hard and wonderful, all at the same time. I am glad you are reaching out and getting some help. I'm really glad you are reconnecting with your therapist. In excess of the sleep deprivation and the intensity of the experience, it's maybe good to look at whether there are themes or triggers that are present for you that make certain situations especially hard.

I wonder sometimes, for myself and other women, whether part of what we so desperately want in motherhood is the transformation of ourselves, the fuller realization of our life purpose. Those processes are not without pain, as the catarpillar experiences during metamorphisis.

What you are going through is MAJOR. PLease continue to be very kind with yourself and to ask for help.

thinking of you, Foxy, and hoping things get easier soon.

St Elsewhere said...

Oh lady, I completely feel you.

I am going to say one word for myself - exhausted. Dear daughter did not sleep well at all, contrary to all amused enquiries from friends and relatives about newborns' amazing sleep, in the initial weeks....I am talking weeks of staring at the clock watching the clock hands move themselves...

Even now, in the day, her naps are fixed but of variable length...I want to kill everyone who honks a horn in front of her window. And at night, I wake up to feed her or to settle her. Since we co-sleep, all her new gymnastic skills get to me too.

Point is, I am tired. If I can squeeze in a shower without being startled out of it, I feel blessed, but there is no other way I would want this.

And you too. You would realize that there is no other way but for Q to be there that you want it.

I will tell you a secret. I hold onto the fact that she is growing up, and eventually this will pass.

You remember that too...it will pass!

From what I see, you do have help in leaps and bounds - increase the babysitting hours if you have to...get out of the house, get a pedicure....

Take Care, and do mail me if you want to say anything....

Anonymous said...

Maybe you don't L0VE the kid enOugh...

Anonymous said...

Saw a comment you made on Stirrup Queens and decided to read a bit.
I so hear you about the tired and being a mom is hard. Harder than I ever thougt imagineable.
I haven't read the full story but I can tell you with my both of my children there came a point where I could no longer go in to soothe them back to sleep. I was associated with food and being 'up'. My DH was not. He could go in there, soothe, be back in bed after 5 min. It would take me at least a full hour to settle the baby.
Keep using the support you have, see your therapist, get back to feeling like you again. Sleep deprevation is no fun.
I think every mom out there would read this post and shake their heads in a "Uh-huh, I hear ya sister".

serenity said...

Here through another friend. The early days of parenting is so, so, SO hard. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as torture.

It gets better. Slowly, in tiny increments, you will get more sleep while you also get used to functioning on so little sleep. It's a process.

Be kind to yourself and your husband and your baby. Do what you have to and just survive.

Hang in there.



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