The Holiday Card Dilemma

Sitting in a glass vase in my home office is a pile of unopened Christmas cards, from 2009. Realizing that we have once gain entered the season of holiday cards, I am thinking about the best way to deal with these little deliveries again. 
It was one of the first normal life occurrences that caught me off guard after getting our Azoos diagnosis. Shortly after Thanksgiving last year I came home from work, collected the mail, and was delighted to see that we had received our first holiday card. 
I love receiving holiday cards. I love sending them out too. Every year I post all of the pictures from friends on family on the refrigerator. I love seeing people that I love throughout the year, right there on our fridge smiling at us. It makes the world feel smaller, and generally cheerful. 
But when I opened this first holiday card of 2009 to discover a beautiful picture of a beautiful little family, mom, dad, and precious little girl, standing together smiling, I lost it.  My immediate urge was to tear the picture into tiny little pieces and stomp on it. 
I started at the picture as tears poured down my face. I was consumed by emotions that had no words, that had no expression beyond my sobs. How could such a joyful and expected piece of mail cause me so much unexpected pain and sorrow? How could this family be so perfect when my dreams for my family had been shattered just months earlier? 
I grabbed my phone and retreated into my closet where my sobs would be muffled and I would be safe from any other unexpected assaults to my traumatized soul. I called my sister - god bless my sister. This was not the first call she had received from a sobbing Foxy, and she handled it like a pro.  As I explained to her what had just happened, I felt like a crazy person for getting so upset over something so menial. But she validated my feelings and suggested something just as crazy. 
She suggested that I shouldn’t open any more holiday cards. She suggested that I ask ML to collect these deliveries from the mail and hide them away in a box. Then, if and when I was ready, I could open the cards later. It was a crazy idea, but it was brilliant. It made so much sense. 
So that’s what we did. All future holiday cards were diverted into a glass vase that sat in my office. The rest of the holiday season was manageable, and eventually I was able to laugh at the glass vase strategy we’d implemented. The only pictures we had on the fridge this year were of ML and I, and our puppies.
I also decided, during that evening that I hid and cried in my closet, that we would not be sending any holiday cards in 2009. The thought of choosing a picture of us smiling and looking happy when our world had just shattered around us and it was all I could do to keep breathing much less smile, just seemed wrong. There was nothing to celebrate. I decided to boycott Holiday cards in all forms. 
I always intended to go back and open those cards from 2009, but the time never came when I felt ready. 
The thing is, I really do love these holiday cards. I love the pictures, of friends, and their families, of little ones, and growing ones, of travel, and joyful moments, I love them. I even love knowing that there is a glass vase with cards and pictures waiting for me when I am ready for them. I would never dream of asking friends to not send us these cards, I want these cards. 
What I really want is to be able to send these cards with pictures of my family, of my little ones, of my growing ones, and joyful moments from my family. 
And here we are again, expecting to receive more little deliveries. ML and I talked last night and will implement the same strategy this year as last. All holiday cards will be diverted into the glass vase. 
Call it crazy. Call it sane.  I just know that it is one more choice that we make for self-preservation. 
I also know that next Christmas, I fully expect to be sending out our own picture cards complete with our Someday family, with the biggest smiles ever! (I also expect to receive yours!)
Photobucket

16 comments :

Kakunaa said...

Luckily we don't get a lot of those family ones, but next year I am definitely hopping on the bandwagon. And I hope that you will be, too!!!

Rach said...

The Christmas blues are starting to make their appearance on me as well. It started at Thanksgiving when my husbands cousin told us numerous times we could have her kids and she was going to will them to us. Then, another cousin announced she was trying for a 3rd child. This cousin is on state assistance. Ugh.

I have my Christmas cards ready, with no pictures!

Rebekah said...

I say do what you have to do Foxy to help yourself get through this season.

I thought (for two years now) that we'd have that "little family" picture to send out. Yes, its painful to see all the precious families... I got a double dose since I'm a photographer and right now everyone is of course getting their pictures done for their cards. Sigh.

My plan: We are going to make a fabulous card with our awesome dogs. And I will keep hoping - for all of us in IF land - that next year will be the year.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

This sounds so difficult, Foxy. I love getting and sending cards, but those with the pictures would be incredibly hard. Since we don't do Season's Greetings around here it won't be an issue for now but I feel for you.

Cherbear said...

The holidays are way too tough. Honestly I've never really had the holiday card issue because we don't ever get any. Well nothing personalized anyway. It's probably because we don't send them. I always thought I will start sending personalized Christmas cards when we finally have more than just 2 of us to put on them.

I am apparently crazy because even when I read all the blogs that have been advertising the free photobooks & christmas cards, etc. that you can get online, it makes me cringe and then I wanna cry!

Haidee said...

I think that sounds like a great idea because we have to do what is right for us and one day you will be able to open those cards and smile again. And it WILL be your turn too!

I just gave you a blog award :-)

jill said...

I totally understand this. I haven't had to do it because there are no growing families or young children in my family or group of friends so I don't receive those glowing family photos. But if I did, I'd have my own vase.

Julie said...

Your sister is a genius! I love that idea and might have to implement it myself. My infertility therapist said last night that christmas is the hardest for people who have fertility issues. She said not to feel guilty about not wanting to be around family etc since the Holiday is so child centered. Anyways, thanks for the idea and cheers to us having our own xmas cards to send out next year!

Kristen said...

Getting through this season can really be a challenge. Good for you for setting boundaries for yourself and doing what you need to do in order to have the best holiday season you can.

auntie lulu said...

You are SO, SO close!! I am totally looking forward to your 2011 Christmas card.... mmmmm, how will it be taken... the beach or mountains... jeans or dressed up... summer or fall... headband on her or baseball cap on him... your new little fam or just the precious angel... Think about that. I know it will make you happy;)
in love & hope. XOXO

ps. Thanks Julie! I don't think I am a genius, just a little more rational than my sister ripping up and stomping on a friends family picture;)

Kir said...

I mailed mine to you...with a whole lot of HOPE and KISSES inside, to make sure when you can open it, when it feels right to go to those vases and see those faces that your tears are the happiest ones ever.

love you my friend xo

Lily said...

Once again, Foxy, you say it so well. Not just for you but for so many who feel like you. And there are so very many of us.

I think you should decorate the glass vase, make it beautiful - the special sanity glass vase! The one that carefully holds the ones you love until you are (or are not) ready. Maybe if you decide to open them you could use the use the vase as a wine jug - :).

Big Hugs,
Lily

Sheri, RN said...

::hugs::

Lulu said...

It's so hard. I shouldn't be hurt by other people's blessings, but I am. We all are.

Thanks for your encouragement on my blog. I look forward to following along on your journey. : )

Andrea said...

wow you have had a lot going on! I've been out of touch and wanted to see how you are. I'm sorry for the cycles not working for the moment, and also about your sweet dog, these things are tough. Just want you to know I"m still here rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

I can never get my sh*t together enough to send holiday cards on time...I am impressed that you are organized enough to do it!

I like your glass vase strategy. And next year you WILL be sending family photos! :-)

 

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