My mom sent me an email a couple weeks ago about a woman who approached her and wanted to start an infertility support group.
My mom runs a parent education program for new moms to attend with their little ones. It is an amazing program that she started twenty five years ago. I could brag about my mom all day long, she really is an incredible woman who has helped so many thousands of new moms grow into beautiful loving supportive parents. Her program is like the one stop shop for all new parents in our community, and absolutely everyone knows my mom. Because she talks about me and my sisters in all of her classes, and has our pictures up all over her office, everyone also knows me.
So anyways, I'd thought a lot about whether or not it would make sense for her program to host an infertility support group. Her program is so loving and supportive, and although it is a center designed for moms and babies, it somehow seemed logical that it would be the perfect place to host a support group. The nearest RESOLVE group is hours away from our little community, and although I don't know anyone else here who shares our struggle, I'll bet that we are not the only infertile couple in town!
The challenge I struggled with was whether or not I would be able to actually engage with a group that was offered at my mom's program. There would be no anonymity. If I attended, everyone would know who I am. Regardless of agreements of confidentiality, anything I shared would inevitably seep its way into the small town memory where everyone knows everything about you. As much as I'd love to have a group of infertile friends who I could meet and share support with, I concluded that it was a little too close to home for me. And really, even if I could have reconciled the other issues, I just didn't have the energy or capacity to start and facilitate a group.
But then when I got the email from my mom about a lady who was going to start up a local group, I got really excited. I wanted it to start meeting right away. I wanted to meet some local friends who understood, who I could get together for lunch with, or go for a walk with. It seemed so perfect.
So yesterday I opened my email to get another email from my mom with a flyer attached for the support group. I downloaded the pdf. It was a double sided trifold, a little overwhelming to start with. It announced a new Infertility and Adoption support group that would meet once per month. It had a few quotes from women mentioning isolation. And then there was a statement saying that "babies are welcome, as always".
I caught my breath when I read it. I mean, this place where the group will be held is designed for moms and babies, all of their classes and programs welcome babies. It is like the most supportive welcoming place for babies. So I don't know why I was so surprised to see that... but I was.
I kept reading. There was a description of the group, and it talked about infertility and adoption. Then it talked about parenting issues that adoptive parents face. Then it had a very brief bio on the facilitator that included a statement about how she is adopting a baby thru the local adoption center.
I know that I am super emotionally sensitive, but my god, why am I so bothered by that brochure. I read the brochure and thought immediately and instinctively, this is not a group for me. This is not a group for infertile people. To clarify, this group sounds awesome for infertile people who are at a very specific place on their journey, and it is a place that I am just not at.
The thing is, my mom sent me the flyer to get my feedback. So I replied with a few of these initial thoughts. It sounds like it will be a great support group - for parenting after infertility. (and I totally think that is an important and necessary topic!!) I guess I just feel like it is too presumptuous to assume that we will all need that kind of support.
This has all settled into my heart and stomach in a funny way. an unsettled way. I think I wanted it to be something else. I wanted it to be something for me. So here I am with a funny feeling. Should I go to the first meeting, and see how it plays out? It might be awesome, and give me hope for the future. Or it might be terrible and leave me feeling assaulted. (Where did that word -assaulted- just come from? I just typed it out, and there it is.)
I'll talk to my mom, she knows the facilitator lady and will probably have a better assessment of her intent, and maybe we just need to change the flyer. Maybe I am just a basket case.
9 comments :
As soon as I read that children were welcome, I thought this didn't sound like the group you are looking to join. As you said, this sounds like a great group for people parenting after inferlity, but not for people in the midst of their fertility struggle.
Personally, and this is just the way I am, I wouldn't go to the group. it doesn't sound like the type of support you are hoping to find and if I were in your shoes, that would leave me feeling more lonely and frustrated...but then, I tend to be sensitive and easily feel alienated.
I'm sorry this doesn't sounds like what you wanted it to be.
I do not think you are a basketcase. It definitely sounds more like an "after" thing as opposed to a "during" thing. Great idea, but not for you. I hope she took the feedback well....
Foxy, I just found your blog and fell in love with it. Thank you so much for 'coming out'...I too understand how difficult that can be.
-The Infertility Monster
http://ddcarpenter714.blogspot.com/
I think you were right to tell your mother exactly how you feel. I would not want to attend a fertility support group that had babies there during our meeting. Perhaps there could be 2 separate groups for the meeting? one for woman still in waiting, and one for woman who have reached their goal through IVF or adoption ext?
follow your heart and your intuition. There's a difference between being challenged (in a good way) by something, versus it just not being the best thing for you. you know (or already do) your answer.
Everyone is at different places in this journey, but I would assume that most people attending an infertility group would prefer to not have children present. Or maybe just have them there when you do outings or family friendly activities. Or they could have a room where the kids can be dropped off and babysat while everyone meets up. Maybe after receiving your feedback they will rethink and reorganize things a bit so everyone can feel welcome and attend.
Awkward! That flyer would definitely leave me with an unsettled feeling as well. Usually, gut instincts tell you something. At least, mine usually pan out to be true.
Maybe you should start something up yourself?? Just a though. Not sure if you are ready for it yet or not.
I don't know - I think I would probably go anyway - but when I went to our first local support group meeting (and it's amazingly small for a metro area of about 1 million) no one there was still trying for their first - or they were in the parenting phase. I still felt like it was good to be able to talk to people who understood where we were, even if they weren't there themselves any longer. That said - no one brought kids (although they did talk about them).
When I ran the Resolve group people were not allowed to bring kids or be pregnant and showing. It makes total sense that you would not want to talk about your infertility struggles with someone holding a baby right there in front of your face.
It might be better to have two groups or send out a feeler e-mail/flyer asking if others would like there to be a second group just for those currently struggling with infertility.
Hugs,
Lily - The Infertile Mind
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